FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM: SPOILER-FREE REVIEW:

Because the DC Films are in struggle-town and that $2.3 billion juggernaut called Harry Potter hasn’t been in cinemas for five years, it was only a matter of time before Warner Brothers turned back to the world of Wizards, Muggles and Fantastical Creatures. But with all the books having been milked for every last penny they could, where do you go with the series? You adapt the book within the book. Yep it’s Bookception or as J.K. Rowling and David Yates would prefer you call it, Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them. 

Set in 1920’s New York, we find Newt Scamander arriving by boat with a suit case that makes the Tardis feel claustrophobic. After a brief encounter with a No-Maj, the New York term for Muggles, named Jacob Kowalski, some of the creatures in his fantastic suitcase are released and the world of wizards is threatened to be exposed. In between all this we have Wizard police, a Madame President, something going on with a newspaper owner and his aspiring sons, an abusive woman hell-bent on a witch hunt and Ezra Miller doing his best creepy Crispin Glover from Charlie’s Angels impression -the only thing it’s missing is him pulling out Drew Barrymore’s hair and sniffing it while he jerks off. There’s a lot going on and not a lot of pay off - most likely because we need to stretch this new franchise out for another five films, but how does it compare to the original Harry Potter series?   

The honest truth is, I can’t answer that. I have no frame of reference because I’m one of the seven people on this planet that has never watched a Harry Potter film and never read the books. I don’t have anything against Harry Potter, I was just watching other films and reading other books whilst J.K.Rowling dominated the world of film and literature. I know when my son is old enough to watch them we’ll get to enjoy them for the first time together - but for now all I can reference is the film in front of me. 

Look, the special effects are great, 90% of the time, the creature designs are imaginative, creative and sometimes scary and 1920’s New York is beautifully recreated. The music is magical, each sequence is well choreographed and expertly shot and edited - you can’t fault the mechanics behind the look and feel of the film. Plus, it manages to maintain a Chaplin-esque feel amongst all of the blockbuster special effects.  

Dan Fogler’s Jacob Kowalski is a real highlight to the film and you can be forgiven for forgetting that this is the guy that gave us Balls Of Fury. From his accent, the way he interacts with other characters to just his sheer mannerisms, he’s easily my favourite character. A lot of the supporting cast throughout are good, however many of them are relegated to just standing and staring intently - I mean quite literally if there isn’t a promotional poster for a character don’t expect them to utter a word. 

We have Colin Farrell and Ezra Miller in supporting roles that although they are both good in, don’t really feel like they truely fit with the rest of the film. Once again, Ezra Miller is fine in the creepiest way possible, he’s a solid actor however I still need more convincing that he can play the leading man in a superhero film, looking at you Flash. We have some good turns from Katherine Waterston and Samantha Morton along with Alison Sudol who is maybe a little too sexy for her role if I’m being honest. 

Then we have the lead, Eddie Redmayne. Yeah, look, your enjoyment of the film will be solely dependant of your tolerance for Eddie Redmayne, who gives a very Eddie Redmayne performance. He’s interesting with his aloof mannerisms to say the least, he looks like someone spray-painted skin onto him to put it mildly and he acts like a freaking serial killer throughout most of the film if asked for extremes. For me, he’s just one step short of dragging a woman by the hair into a dark alleyway whilst holding a sonic-screwdriver and doing his best/worst Tom Baker impression. 

Overall the film has some good exciting moments and kind of makes you yearn to be a kid again. It’s easily twenty minutes too long and with the news that Johnny Depp will be playing the villain in subsequent sequels, because nothing screams success like the biggest box office drawcard of 2006, we can only hope that this new series moves from strength to strength. 

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them gets Three out of Five Stars (or Three out of Five prayers that Johnny Depp doesn’t Johnny Depp the villain role in the sequels) 

  

DOCTOR STRANGE: SPOILER-FREE REVIEW:

It’s like Inception through a kaleidoscope whilst on a sh*t-ton of acid, especially if your watching it in 3D. Doctor Strange is the fourteenth film in the Marvel Cinematic Canon that’s filled with money and the crushed dreams of DC fans, which follows the stellar Phase 3 opener that was Captain America Civil War. The big question is, how does Marvel’s first foray into the psychedelic world of the Sorcerer Supreme shape up? Upon first reflection, it’s very much more of the same, but strangely different. 

So the story follows Doctor Stephen Strange, a brilliant but arrogant neurosurgeon whose head is so far up is own arse that the resulting a**holery finds his hands crippled after a near fatal car accident. Spending his vast fortune trying to find a cure, he eventually finds himself in Katmandu training with Tilda Swinton playing the One Punch Man as he learns the ways of the mystic arts to become Marvel’s first master of the dark arts. 

First things first, you have every person with a speech-impediments favourite actor Benedict Cumberbatch playing the title role, and Cumberbatch is Cumberawesome and is another example of Marvel’s great casting choices. As previously mentioned, we have Tilda Swinton perfectly paired with Cumberbatch as the wise old Ancient One who may or may not be hiding a few anti-aging secrets from the people at Olay Regenerist. White-washing aside, she has the perfect balance of calm and wisdom for such a role. 

Director Scott Derrickson, the man behind stellar horror films such as Deliver Us From Evil and Sinister, plays well within the Marvel Universe, giving us some rich settings, good little jump scares and a type of humour that grows on you by the end of the film. We have some great little additions such as the Cloak Of Levitation which is almost a character within itself to the point where I really just wanted to see even more of it throughout the movie. 

Now your overall enjoyment of the film may be based on your tolerance for the Marvel movie template because as I said at the beginning, the film is different, but strangely the same. 

The case of underused villains once again rears it’s ugly head and Hannibal fans might be particularly upset with how underutilised Mads Mikkelsen is within the main villain role - there’s just not enough for him to chew through with motivations only slightly elevated from Christopher Eccleston’s villain in Thor The Dark World (you know the one… what’s his name… the one with the pointy ears… he was angry for some reason… never mind). However, despite a lacklustre main villain, the film is setting up some very complex villains for possible future instalments that could see the Marvel villain curse broken. 

We have Rachel McAdams in the traditional thankless female lead role, just see Pepper Potts or Jane Foster for a quick, easy reference. She has some fleeting moments throughout the film and a forced love-interest narrative which is ultimately superfluous to the overall story (once again check out Gwyneth Paltrow in any of the Iron Man movies) - although McAdams does have one moment to save our heroes life.   

Some people have drawn comparisons to movies like Inception and Batman Begins and whilst I can see some links between the films, they are very tenuous and Doctor Strange is very much its own thing with respects to these influences. The Batman Begins references are very superficial and take a back seat to some really interesting dynamics between Doctor Strange, The Ancient One, Baron Mordo and the librarian Wong. Whereas the Inception references are merely a starting point for the incredibly layered and complex moving parts that demand more that one viewing just to absorb how much has been brought to the screen after Christopher Nolan’s physic bending epic.     

The climax of the film has, yet again, the Marvel “death from above” trope - which in of itself is disappointing because after some amazing sequences during the film’s second act where characters were falling upwards, sideways, back-ways and every other angle in between, it was clear that death didn’t necessarily have to come from above. It seems like Hollywood just has this fascination with getting their actors to look up into the sky. Yet despite this being so familiar, much like Guardians Of The Galaxy, Derrickson and the team have managed to resolve the climax in a way that’s clever, funny and different from other Marvel movies - and this is clearly where Dan Harmon, the creator of Rick & Morty makes his influence felt when he was brought on for rewrites. 

Finally, your tolerance may be tested yet again by how similar the character of Doctor Strange is to Tony Stark, you know, another arrogant smart-ass who makes pop-culture references when dissing a supporting character and has some distinguished facial-hair. Not that there is anything wrong with this, and it is very much in line with the character from the comics, but for general movie-goers, characters like Doctor Strange, Tony Stark and Star-Lord may all be blending into one and just become more of a Robert Downey Jnr off (and the only person who wins in a Robert Downey Jnr-off is Robert Downey Jnr…) 

Now this is not me making a list of my own personal complaints of the film, personally, I love the Marvel movies and probably have a bit of an unfair bias towards these movies due to a childhood of reading countless comics, but there is no denying that the films do run the risk of becoming stale. 

Overall, Doctor Strange introduces us to a new mystic world within the forever expanding Marvel Universe and even with the interesting mix of same, same but different, there is no denying that this exciting movie opens up a world of opportunities for other characters in the MCU - and if you want know more, as always, stay for the end-credit sequences.  

Doctor Strange gets Three and a Half out of Five Stars (or Three and a Half out of Five eye-melting acid trips through an Inception wonderland that really shouldn’t be visited on a full stomach) 

SUICIDE SQUAD: SPOILER-FREE REVIEW:

Now whether you loved or hated Batman V Superman Dawn Of Justice (and let’s face it, that seems to be the only two emotions people have towards that film) there is no denying that the film didn’t land the way Warner Brothers had hoped when they launched their DC Cinematic Universe. However with a really strong promotional push, it seemed like David Ayer’s Suicide Squad was set to put the DC Cinematic Universe back on course. 

The story is essentially The Dirty Dozens crossed with Escape From New York narrative where a rag-tag group of, mostly Batman's rogue gallery, need to suit up and do the jobs that the heroes can't. There's no denying that it's an awesome premise and that there's fun moments and cool sequences, it just doesn't work as well as it should. 

The pacing along with the tone is all over the place and is never truly even or balanced at any point. We have a hard 30 minute slog at the beginning where the film dedicates it's time to establishing origin stories, lots and lots of origin stories; sure it tries to jazz this up with its visuals and editing but it's still very draining at the start. We get a lot of time devoted to establishing Will Smith's Deadshot and Margot Robbie's Harley Quinn, however many of the other characters suffer because of this. Jay Hernandez gets some nice development at times however there are clearly some characters the film just doesn't give a shit about, don't worry, you'll know them when you see them. 

Director David Ayer, the man behind Fury, End Of Watch and the critically underrated Sabotage makes some good choices with some visual tricks with the character of Enchantress and certainly has some good visual moments for most characters. This unfortunately is just undercut by some poor editing choices that fail to help establish a context; often the context for things that are happening in the story seems to have been left on the cutting room floor as can be noted by a lot of key scenes missing from the trailers. 

With four stellar trailers, over twenty TV spots, a dozen featurettes and another dozen clips for the film released before Suicide Squad even hit the cinemas, one thing that the film should be credited for is not releasing any major spoiler footage from the third act. Unfortunately, there’s a reason for that.  

The finale doesn’t have any big twists, no real significant sacrifices, and no investment beyond the superficial - so the truth is, there isn’t really anything to spoil in the final act.

So let’s talk about Jared Leto’s Joker. 

Since the beginning, I’ve never been totally sold on the design of this new Joker. It looks like Marliyn Manson f*cked Ali-G, they had a baby and then fed that baby crystal-meth until the baby grew up and allowed itself to be painted up by a hyperactive toddler high on a Krispy Kreme binge session. I’m all cool with The Joker being a gangster, but not a really bad stereotype of a pimp-gangster.

Jared Leto is clearly giving it his all but he seems to be stuck between doing an impression of Heath Ledger's Joker and Jim Carrey's The Riddler. It's an interesting and ambitious take on The Joker, unfortunately it's just not quite there yet. It's not as memorable as Jack Nicholson or Heath Ledger but that doesn't mean there isn't potential. The character is brutal and sadistic throughout his scenes in the film, but hardcore fans of The Joker/Harley Quinn relationship will note that their storyline in this film completely goes against the core of what makes that duo such an engaging partnership.  

The film has a wide array of great songs scattershot across the entire movie which should really be awesome, if these songs hadn’t been used a hundred other times in a hundred other films. Sometimes it almost feels like the film is afraid to let the audience experience silence so they just panic and throw a generic rock song up on screen in hopes that it will stick or at least distract. 

Overall, the film has some good and some bad to it: the tone is muddled as it's trying to be too many things all at once: funny, yet serious, colourful, yet dark; never quite strikes the correct balance. It's not as bad as Batman V Superman, but also, it's not the course correction that Warner Brothers may have been hoping for. 

Suicide Squad gets Two and a Half out of Five Stars (or Two and a Half out of Five meth-fuelled love child's of an androgynous rock star and pimp-inspired stereotypes) 

JASON BOURNE: SPOILER-FREE REVIEW:

The world is on the brink of turmoil, there are riots on the street, paranoia is at an all-time high, and shady government agencies are breeding a new group of spies and assassins capable of infiltrating the very heart of our society. In times like these, there is only one person we can turn to:

That’s right, Matt Damon. 

Set twelve years after the events of The Bourne Ultimatum, amnesiac super-spy Jason Bourne has resurfaced with his memory fully intact and hellbent on uncovering the hidden truth about his family and his past. With some returning faces including Julia Stiles and a new stellar supporting cast that features Vincent Cassel, Alicia Vikander and veteran Tommy Lee Jones the real question is, with the return of Damon and Paul Greengrass in the directors chair, is this sequel necessary let alone worth the agonising wait? 

In a post-Snowden world the Bourne franchise hasn’t lost any of its steam, it keeps the film contemporary and just adds to our global-paranoia of what personal information we should and shouldn’t be putting on the internet. With a fast pace throughout, thanks to Greengrass’ signature frenetic camerawork and editing, we move from foot chases to motorcycle chases to internet chases to Bourne bringing a paperclip to a gun fight and still winning - it’s a lot of what we’ve come to expect from this series. Even though some might complain about Greengrass’ approach to storytelling, you can’t denying that he’s good at giving us a sense of location before the action starts and then pulls the editing together so tightly that you don’t know your earhole from your a**hole as you try to figure out just how Bourne is going to get out of each nail-biting situation. 

The casting is rock-solid with Vikander being a great addition to the series that leaves you constantly questioning which side she’s really on whilst Tommy Lee Jones joins a long line of grumpy old men pulling the strings behind the scenes. Vincent Cassell is the smooth European assassin for this instalment and some of the best scenes are of him effortlessly collecting weapons, data and ass-whoppings. Both Cassell and Jones inclusion add a personal element to Bourne’s mission this time and it’s the most obvious progression for the series to take however taking a step back, it doesn’t really feel like any of these personal moments or vendettas are really earned because the film moves at such a break-neck speed. Often the personal motivations are more of a convenience than anything else, but this isn’t to say that the film isn’t still exciting.  

Truth be told, I’m a massive Bourne fan. Ever since Doug Liman gave us the first instalment with The Bourne Identity, this series redefined the Spy-Thriller genre and even had cinematic staples like James Bond mimicking what Damon and Greengrass brought to the table. The shaky-cam may be a little nauseating at times, but there is no denying that these films keep you on your feet and has the most lethal array of stationary ever committed to cinema. I even enjoyed the Jeremy Renner film, it had potential and it did a half-way decent job of world-building, but I understand why they wouldn’t continue that storyline when they can get Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass back together again. 

Much like the Bond series, the Bourne films have become a bit of a slave to their own formula: discover a new ominously titled maguffin, evade capture in a densely populated location, have a hand-to-hand fight with a supposed ally (whilst incorporating some form of office stationary in the fight), have a face-to-face with the old grizzled bad-guy, end on a car chase that out does the previous films (and this film definitely has the best car chase of the franchise). It’s just unfortunate that after a nine year break, Damon and Greengrass hasn’t brought anything new to their template. If you’re a fan of the series, like myself, this is probably not going to bother you too much, but with another Bourne movie set-up at the end of this film, you’ve got to hope that they will add a little something different to ensure this series longevity. 

Jason Bourne gets Four out of Five Stars (or Four out of Five ass-whooping paperclips to the face.)     

STAR TREK BEYOND: SPOILER-FREE REVIEW:

In the third instalment of the newly rebooted series, we sees Kirk dealing with daddy issues, Spock being logical, Bones being grumpy and Scotty being Scottish. In-between all this we have a movie that feels very much like an episode from the original 60’s series but just amped up to blockbuster level that manages to be one part clever, one part funny, one part action-packed and all Star Trek. 

Three years in to their five year mission to explore strange new worlds and Chris Pine’s Captain Kirk is having that classic first world problem of being bored at his job. He’s stopped bedding aliens, he can’t decide to whether to wear the yellow commander’s shirt or the other yellow commander’s shirt, and he’s come to the realisation that he’s a year older than his father ever lived to be. Oh yeah, this sounds like the kind of excitement you’ve come to expect from this reenergised franchise. Thankfully though Kirk’s mundane existence is about to be shaken up by Idris Elba bringing a swarming sh*t-storm of f*ckery   upon Kirk and the crew of the USS Enterprise.

Those worried that J.J. Abrams space-jumping from the series would have an adverse effect on the quality of the film can rest easy as Justin Lin, the man most famous for giving us no less than four of the Fast & Furious films, takes the helm and gives us, a surprisingly solid Star Trek film. He’s managed to honour the original Trek series whilst still giving us that kinetic action that we come to expect from the two previous instalments - even if it is a little subdued in direct comparison. Lin does brings his Fast & Furious eye to film the USS Enterprise flying in ways you’ve never seen before, with cinematography that sweeps through ships and gives you more than one moment of vertigo. 

On top of this, the designs are all kicked up a notch in every aspect; from new uniforms to the new aliens, from spaceships to planets to planets that house spaceships; it really is some impressive Sci-Fi. One thing that both writer Simon Pegg and director Justin Lin should be credited for is giving us an exciting Star Trek film that’s true to the heart of the original series and manages to avoid some of the familiar beats that plagued the last two films: there’s no Red Bull Space-Jumping, no one getting promoted due to just being in the room at the time, no Kirk getting chewed out for being reckless and virtually no lens flares. Beyond does use another Beastie Boys track, but in the best possible way. The film also handles the deaths of both Leonard Nimoy and Anton Yelchin in a dignified way, plus introduces the franchises first ever gay character in a manner where it doesn’t feel like tokenism, nor is it the singular trait that defines the character.  

We have the world’s leading bad-ass Idris Elba in a role where he is completely unrecognisable bar his unique gravelly voice but is never-the-less a sh*t-ton of awesome. He does suffer from bad-guy-exposition-syndrome which does kind of feel a little bit lazy but in the same breath is probably just paying homage to the villains of the original TV series. I mean, there is no legitimate reason for Lieutenant Uhura to be walking around with him whilst he explains his masterplan other than to further the plot. There is also the occasional plot hole, however all of this is forgiven thanks to the inclusion of Sofia Boutella playing a new kick-ass alien warrior by the name of Jaylah, not to be confused with J-Law. 

Overall, the quality of this Star Trek series has remained consistent over the last three films. I wouldn’t say that they have gotten better as they have gone along, they’ve just remained consistent - but when the 2009 reboot set the standard so high that’s nothing to acid-snot sneeze at (don’t worry, I promise that will totally make sense when you see the film.)  

Star Trek Beyond gets Four out of Five Stars (or Four out of Five swarming sh*t-storms of f*ckery) 

GHOSTBUSTERS (2016): SPOILER-FREE REVIEW:

It’s the film that, as soon as it was announced, has ridden a wave of hatred from middle-aged white men on Reddit, 4Chan and the Youtube comment section claiming that this movie would ruin the original Ghostbuster films. It seems many of these guys seem to forget just how bad Ghostbusters 2 really was, but at the end of the day, is Paul Feig’s Ghostbusters reboot really worth all the hate? 

If you can just put nostalgia aside and accept this film for what it is, you might actually have some fun. The humour is strong with some solidly funny banter between characters, there's some well done jump-scares, there’s some good character designs, but most of all, it’s just fun. If you can't put nostalgia aside, then it's not as good as the original, but at least it's better than Ghostbusters II.

Borrowing beats from the original film and modernising them, this new version of the Ghostbusters also wears it's love of the original on its sleeve wholeheartedly. You have some great performances from the whole cast with Kate McKinnon and Chris Hemsworth being the real standouts. She keeps the weird dialed up to 11 throughout the entire runtime whilst Hemsworth just brings the funny in every scene he's in. What's extra pleasing is that, much like Rose Byrne in Bad Neighbors, he was able to use his Australian accent which is great to see in an American film and easily helped to sell his humour even more-so. 

The humour itself is consistently strong throughout, although those expecting Bridesmaids-level swearing and lewdness may want to temper their expectations due to the PG rating. And before people get up in arms over that, even if the film had been cast with Seth Rogen, James Franco, Jonah Hill and Craig Robinson you still would have had the humour pulled back down to PG-friendly territory, however there are still a few naughty jokes that managed to slip past the censors. 

The film isn't without its faults though, the villain is really not needed but is also irritatingly bad on a level the wreaks of pantomime. The bad guy literally walks around talking out loud to no one in particular basically explaining his motivations to the audience every time he's on screen - and it’s cliched, really really cliched. The final act also suffers from some poor plotting that I feel is really endemic of Sony's approach to storytelling. Without giving too much away: one of the team is taken away in front of the other members of the team, they know who has taken them and what they plan to do but don't appear to do anything about this until the apocalypse arrives, it just doesn't make sense.

So, a lot of the hate comes down to the fact that this film is a reboot, and to be honest, it took me many years to make my peace with reboots and remakes. There is naturally a cynical side to reboots and remakes in the sense that they are easier to market and a safer financial bet due to there already being an in-built audience, but there is another reason that reboots exist: to keep these stories in popular culture and relevant. As hard as it might be to believe, kids today don’t know who Indiana Jones is, or what The Goonies are, or what Back To The Future is, and until The Force Awakens came out, many of them had never even seen Star Wars - trust me, I’ve taught kids for the last decade. So reboots are there to keep these stories in the public conscious. Once again, it might be really hard for white males between the age of 35-45 to believe, but these films are not made for them and the release of a new interpretation of their favourite film has no impact on the original because the original still exists for them to watch. 

Just on a side note though, if you are one of those winging man-babies that claim to be a film reviewer yet are refusing to review this film, then you are really sh*t at your job and you’re not a f*cking film critic in my eyes. 

Overall, the film is fun and is in no danger of destroying anyone's childhood, but we do need to keep in mind when saying that that man-babies think differently to you and I. As far as modern updates go, it has more hits than misses but the film will definitely leave you wanting to see more of these characters once the credits roll. Whilst talking about the end credits, the new version of the classic Ghostbusters tune may suck, but stay for Chris Hemsworth's dance routine.

Ghostbusters gets Three and a Half out of Five Stars (or Three and a Half out of Five middle-aged white guys missing out on all the fun - but that's what YouTube comments are for am I right?) 

INDEPENDENCE DAY RESURGENCE: SPOILER-FREE REVIEW:

Twenty years ago, Roland Emmerich set the standard for extinction level event blockbusters, since then he has made one disaster movie after another (some figuratively, some literally.) Despite some of his films being turned into sequels, Emmerich himself has never done a sequel before, until now. After sitting through the two hour run-time, you kind of think he should have just continue to stay away from sequels. 

Twenty years after aliens attacked, Will Smith became a huge star, and Jeff Goldblum smirked and stuttered his way through the film; the aliens are back and as the tagline says “we had twenty years to prepare, but so did they” if only the filmmakers had prepared themselves like the aliens. 

Now I remember loving the original when it came out, when I was sixteen, but as I grew up I realised just how terrible the film actually was: cliched scenes, an overabundance of characters, and explosions that would give Michael Bay nocturnal emissions. Twenty years later, and not much has really changed with this “franchise”: too many characters, too many incestuous links between the characters, and gigantic explosive spectacle where characters survive insurmountable odds to eye-rolling proportions. 

The film itself doesn't just one-up its’ predecessor but one-up all the other destructive blockbusters that have come since; Roland Emmerich decides to throw as many landmarks as possible at other landmarks regardless of physics or geography. However physic defying logic is the furthest issue this film has, with lacklustre characters that make you miss Will Smith, and situations that defy sheer logic. Logic such as allowing a long-haired crazy comatose patient who walks effortlessly past armed guards in a secure area that’s housing the President of the United States whilst his IV bags drag along beside him - you know, that kind of logic. 

Once again, like the original, the film is just filled with stereotypes that sometimes border on the offensive. You have the geek, the top-gun maverick, the eccentric scientist, the machete-wielding Somalian warlord, the asian (for the Chinese market), the Jew and quite literally an irishman hunting for gold. Add to this too many additional characters, too long a runtime and too many pixels flying around the screen you can’t help but feel exhausted by the time the end credits start to roll. 

Overall, the film certainly does go bigger than the original and bigger than almost all other disaster movies, but that does not mean better in this case. Lacking on many fronts and in a blockbuster season filled with sequels, Independence Day Resurgence falls into the category of sequels that crashed and burned like many of the landmarks featured in the trailers.

Independence Day Resurgence gets One and a Half Stars out of Five (or One and a Half offensive stereotypes away from a perfect dozen)