BIG HERO 6: SPOILER-FREE MINI-REVIEW:

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After nearly two decades, Disney has finally emerged from the big shadow that had been cast over them by Pixar, thanks to the combination of Wreck-It Ralph, Frozen and now Big Hero 6.

Loosely based on a short-lived Marvel comic book series of the same name, the film centers on technological wizz-kid Hiro (voiced by Ryan Potter) who through classic-Disney tragedy is befriended by his older brothers advanced medical-nurse robot Baymax (voiced by 30 Rock’s Scott Adsit.) When Hiro’s new invention is stolen by a masked mystery man and used to steal various things in the awesome city of San Fransokyo, both Hiro and Baymax, along with some other colourful characters form their own high-tech superhero team.

Now first off before anything else, Baymax is just the most perfect Disney creation to date. He’s a wonderfully warm Michelin-Man that will melt hearts, make you laugh, make you cry and make you want to buy your own Baymax action figure and ignore the judgmental stares of other adults disgusted at the sight of a fully-grown adult buying a children’s toy for themselves. That crying part by the way, is true. I shed tears, 35-year-old man tears during this film.   

Where Frozen was aimed squarely at young girls, Big Hero 6 firmly sets its sight on the young male viewer: Cool future inventions, techno-babble and not a single musical number from a character in the film.  Disney has managed to capture that childhood wonder for the modern generation of children and young adults. The film is good humoured, well designed and has some fun adventure sequences that really take you back to the first time you saw great kids films like E.T. and The Goonies.

The best part about this film is the fact that Disney have finally found the ability to make modern comedy that isn’t cringe-worthy, and this has been demonstrated in Frozen and Wreck-It Ralph before it so here’s hoping Disney can continue on this path. There are some other great aspects to the film such as the score. Henry Jackman, the man who breathed new life into the Captain America theme in The Winter Soldier, provides a heroic soundtrack that even has elements of other classics like Back to the Future. Jackman is sure to be the go-to guy for action-adventure soundtracks of the future.

There are some borrowed moments from other Marvel films and the climax falls into the repetitive Marvel climax template of the current Phase 2 line-up (yet another giant blue-glowing thing in the sky and stuff just flies everywhere) but this film transcends all that with some really inventive action sequences, amazingly clever visuals and the one thing this climax does that every other Marvel film has failed to do in the past, is make you shed a tear.

Girls will giggle and laugh at Baymax, the lovable inflatable robot, whilst boys will be wide-eyed with all the cool future-tech and the adults that come along for the ride will just love it.

Big Hero 6 gets Four and a half out of five robot-fist-bumps.

DUMB & DUMBER TO: SPOILER-FREE MINI-REVIEW:

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The silence is deafening, and not just any silence, the clichéd silence that comes complete with chirping crickets just to emphasise just how unfunny Dumb and Dumber To really is.

The original came out in 1994, that's right, 1994 - man I feel old. They waited 20 years to make this sequel and unfortunately this seems par for the course for 2015 with new
Terminator, Jurassic Park and Mad Max sequels all on their way just to name a few. Dumb and Dumber To is an example of one that should have just been left alone.

The dense duo go on a road trip to find the long-lost daughter of Jeff Daniel's character Harry in order to get a kidney transplant because he is dying. Well he says he's dying, for a character who requires a new kidney he shows none of the symptoms, problems or typical dramas that would be associated with such an issue.

One big thing that's missing from the sequel is the charm. Granted Jeff Daniels does bring some charm to his portrayal of the dim-witted Harry, but what the hell happened to Jim Carrey's Lloyd?! His character is so selfish and arbitrarily mean that there's little to no redeeming features for his character. At least in the original there was some sweet innocence to the character, now, he's just a borderline c*nt.

The film itself is just not funny, you can see a joke is being made, a very puerile and immature joke, but they just don't land. They are either predictable or rehashed from the original, almost as if the writers were hoping that everyone had forgotten all the original jokes after 20 years.

The interesting thing is that last year, Jim Carrey went to great lengths to distance himself from his role in Kick Ass 2 before it's release. After seeing this I don't understand why he didn't do the same thing here.

The film itself feels uneven on almost every level. From the casting, to the acting, to the set-design, to most importantly the story. The film never seems to have an even or consistent run. Ultimately this film feels like a really bad fan-fiction script that somehow managed to get made into a film starring the original cast.

For a film that stars one of the biggest comedic names of the last 20 years, and being directed by the same guys who put him up there in the first place you would honestly expect some laughs. Not silence, disturbing, awkward silence.

One out of Five poorly written pieces of fan-fiction.

THE INTERVIEW: SPOILER-FREE MINI-REVIEW:

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This is a film that should have been released as a silly little film starring those two guys from Pineapple Express doing what they do in every other film and then disappeared from our memories forever. Unfortunately, though, that is not what happened. In an unprecedented moment in cinematic history, this film will live on in infamy for a hacking scandal and bomb threats on cinemas in the U.S.A., as a result there was a huge amount of hype and expectation that came with the films eventual release. Regardless on where you stand on the hacking, bomb-threats and censorship ultimately this film is not worth all the sh*t that came along with it. 



James Franco and Seth Rogen reunite for another ‘Bromance’ tale with all the things you have come to expect from this duo in their films. This time Franco plays a dim-witted TV news host who normally focuses on celebrity-based news stories who somehow manages to score an interview with Kim Jong-un (played by Randall Parks.) Once the interview is organised both Franco and his loyal TV producer-buddy Rogen are approached by the CIA, and are tasked with the mission of assassinating Kim Jong-un. As I have already said, Rogen and Franco bring us all the things that you have come to expect from them in previous films, however after several films of essentially doing the same thing, it is starting to get real f#%king tiring. 



Before we begin with the more obvious problems in this film, I think a good comparison, controversy-wise, is Kevin Smith’s 1999 film Dogma. Dogma was judged as being anti-Christian and anti-Catholic long before the actual release by a very vocal group of people who had not actually seen the film. Had these people taken the time to see the film first they would have seen, as Kevin Smith himself said, that it was just a big dumb movie with a poop-monster. The Interview is the same, but worse than Dogma, this is just a dumb movie that would have been significantly improved with the appearance of a poop-monster. It is an uneven movie with lots of attempts at jokes, with very few actually being funny, Franco’s character is annoying, but not in the good way, you seriously want to punch him in the face. The violence in the film comes out of nowhere and feels very out of place in relation to everything else that has come before it. 



There are some good points, not many but some. There is a funny interview featuring Eminem at the very beginning of the movie, it was surprising and you got a few laughs out of this even though some of it feels forced. One other good point is the performance of Randall Park as the real-life dictator; this dull film does actually start to come to life once he is on screen. He provides some real layers to the character; at times, you really sympathise with Kim Jong-un and can almost be forgiven for liking him, and when Park brings anger to the character, it feels authentic. Randall Park is probably the guy I feel the most sorry for, because this performance should have been in a much better film. 



The film ultimately has Rogen and Franco doing the same thing they do in every movie: party-sequence, butt-jokes, quick flashes of graphic violence, bros fight, annoying Rogen-laugh, bros back together again, repeat cycle. Many of the jokes fall incredibly flat and any realism is lost within the film based on the sheer stupidity of the North Korean army and security that “Frogen” (I just “Brangelina’d’ the two of them) deal with throughout the film. Once again, the violence suddenly becomes extremely graphic and really adds nothing to the film besides shock-value and a really poor ‘Lord of the Rings’ joke that is built up for most of the film only to land with a groan. 



The film does have some charm to carry it, but that charm has been wearing thin for quite some time. Essentially this is a dumb-movie that has only a few funny moments. Is it funny enough to warrant the hacking of so much private information and the risk of danger when visiting the sanctuary of a cinema? No. 



The Interview gets two stars forced reluctantly up Seth Rogen’s ass.

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION: SPOILER-FILLED DVD-REVIEW:

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Finally sat down and watched this film, I'd like to say it was against my will, but the truth is I was looking for a reason to get angry.

This is our worst nightmare come to life: Michael Bay unleashed! Michael Bay completely and utterly unrestrained from his previous limitations and amplifying all his worst qualities: ridiculous product-placement, overly-complicated shots, and people running through unrealistic explosions but now with unashamed desire to appeal to the Chinese market.

Yes the fourth film in the series was released earlier this year and became the highest grossing movie in the world for the calendar year, earning over $1 billion and making Michael Bay and giant robots that beat the sh*t out of each other officially critic-proof. It was panned by critics the world over, even more so than ‘Revenge of the Fallen’, and it seems that audiences just piled into cinemas to see it regardless.

Apparently this film is supposed to be a reboot, however they’ve kept the same director and they spend their time referring to the previous films - so I don’t know how it’s really a reboot. Sure they’ve got rid of all of the original annoying cast, but they’ve just replaced them with an equally annoying cast. We have a forgettable main cast and Mark Walberg, don’t get me wrong, I like Mark Walberg but not when he’s the lead in a film, he has yet to prove that he’s a memorable lead in a movie. If you need evidence just compare his roles in ‘The Happening‘ and ‘Shooter‘ to his roles in ‘The Departed‘ and ‘Three Kings’ - the guy tends to work better in ensembles, with ‘The Fighter’ probably being he only exception.

Touted by Bay as being more serious in tone and less jokey you can’t help but feel like he’s telling a flat out lie when you see the large array of supporting cast there solely for comic relief. On top of this everything in this film demonstrates that nothing has be learnt from the pervious films as we are fed the exact same movie all over again but in different locations this time.

The series now sink to new horrendous lows when it comes to objectifying women, or in this case an underage girl, they seriously stop the movie to discuss statutory rape laws in favour of having sex with minors. As a father, if I found out my daughter was sleeping with a guy who carries a laminated ‘get out of rape free‘ card in his wallet, I believe that is justification to murder the little prick. I’m also surprised that the scene doesn’t cut away to Michael Bay smoking a cigar and drinking a brandy just to camera and say “You’re welcome men of America.”

You know what, let’s skip the formalities and just be honest about this film:

It's the same goddamn storyline every time: the Decepticons require some kind of MacGuffin, the Autobots want to stop the Decepticons from getting/using said MacGuffin. In the climax the MacGuffin is entrusted to the human characters that you couldn't give two sh*ts about to transport and explosions ensue!! Every f#%king time!!

And this time they don't even care enough about the audience to actually finish the story. They kill the main bad guy and then stand there saying that they have saved the day when there's a big fucking spaceship floating over China filled with an army of killer robots!! I mean what the actual f#%k?!

Narrative means jack-sh*t in this film, and I mean serious jack-sh*t. At the beginning of the film we see giant metal dinosaurs, so it's safe to assume that they are the Dinobots.... Right? Nope. As a matter of fact the Dinobots don't show up until the final 15 minutes of the film, they have nothing to do with the dinosaurs at the beginning, the dinosaurs at the beginning are never mentioned again and there's no explanation for why the Dinobots take on the form of dinosaurs. This is how little the writers and Bay cases about your intelligence as an audience!

There are so many questions this film leaves you asking that the fear of an aneurism should be at the forefront of your mind. Questions like:
- Why are the Autobots all a$$holes? Especially Optimus Prime?
- Why would humans use the head of Megatron to reverse engineer their own robots? And why would they keep at it when it kept looking like Megatron every time they tried to build it?
- Why did the annoying little robot helping the humans not warn them about all of Megatrons plans?
- Where the f#%k did all the other Autobots go when Galvatron attacks Prime?
- Why do they only show up only after they've kidnapped Prime? 
- Why does Prime need all those repairs when all it seems he needed to do was drive past another truck and he'll magically become new again?
- Why are the Dinobots allowed to roam free around China at the end of the year?

There is so much disrespect towards the audience that I’ve devised a new ratings system just for this movie:

Transformers: Age of Extinction gets 10 out of 10 venereal diseases I’d rather have than watch another Michael Bay directed Transformer sh*t-sandwich.

HORRIBLE BOSSES 2: SPOILER-FREE MINI-REVIEWS:

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With fantastic chemistry between the three leads, you can easily forgive a lot of Horrible Bosses 2’s shortcomings.

The sequel brings Dale, Kurt and Nick together again where they are starting their own business with a device called a “Shower-Buddy” or “Shower-Daddy” depending on who you ask. Through sheer naivety the guys end up in serious financial debt after doing a dodgy deal with a ruthless businessman played by Oscar-winner Christoph Waltz who takes their idea and turns it into the “Shower-Pal.” Instead of planning a murder like in the last film, they instead resort to ‘kidnaping’. Their target is Waltz’s son, played by Star Trek’s new Captain Kirk Chris Pine, who becomes more involved with the kidnapping plot than any of them expected.

The best thing about this film is the three main characters. The banter between Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis and Charlie Day is what made the first film such a hit and once again, this is the sequel’s strongest selling point. There are so many laugh out loud moments that just occur between the three of these guys arguing and debating each other that this film probably could survive being just two hours of these guys interacting without any plot. Kevin Spacey returns briefly as Bateman’s old boss and Jennifer Aniston makes another appearance as the scene-stealing nymphomaniac dentist hell-bent on banging every man within a 50-mile radius with a heartbeat. Chris Pine proves to have much better comedic appeal than he displayed in films like ‘This Is War’.

The film does have some drawbacks: some jokes either fall flat or become annoying, and they do a series of things that they don’t really develop - whether this is to serve as filler to get the film up to its 108 minute running time or whether they cut a whole bunch of stuff out we don’t know yet. Christoph Waltz is completely underused in this film to the point that his casting seems completely unnecessary with respects to utilizing his talents. Any other age-appropriate actor could have played this role without it feeling like stunt casting.  

Another drawback is the rut that Jason Bateman seems to have found himself in, he plays the same character in every film: the everyman with the world on his shoulders and a sarcastic wit to match every situation. There’s nothing wrong with this but it does start to feel a bit ‘samey‘, even in his other film venture from earlier this year, ‘Bad Words‘ he may have been playing against character but he still ended up being Michael Bluth by the time the end credit rolls. In the same breath, Charlie Day could be accused of the same thing however he just has a frenetic energy that’s makes his performance more unpredictable than Bateman’s.

Overall this is essentially a dumb-buddy comedy that relies on the charm of its’ three leads and those scene-stealing moments from Jennifer Aniston. You’ll get quite a few laughs but this is probably best suited to a “Tight-Ass Tuesday.”

Three out of Five wishes that Jennifer Aniston would do more roles like this. 

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY: SPOILER-FREE DVD-REVIEW

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It was Marvel’s riskiest film to date and it paid off big time. It became the highest grossing domestic film of the Summer and has rekindled our love of music from the seventies and eighties and baby dancing trees.

Guardians of the Galaxy takes us to the stars in a universe far away from The Avengers but still feeling very familiar. A group of "losers" must band together to save the galaxy from an Avatard on steroids and too much eye make-up who has plans to destroy the peaceful world of Xander for some reason that is not completely clear and then the rest of the universe, you know, just because.

After some really clunky, yet very important, exposition we are treated to some great visual designs with regards to aliens, planets and spaceships, along with some great casting choices for the entire main cast. Chris Pratt is going to be a huge star after this and with Jurassic World hitting next year, he is going to be an Indiana Jones-level star. One casting concern was professional wrestler Dave Bautista who was not the train wreck many were expecting; as a matter of fact he has some of the funniest lines in the movie.

The film does have lots of humour, some that was incredibly risqué like the ‘Jackson Pollock’s reference’ and most of the actors have great comedic timing, however, the film is not really as funny as it like’s to think it is. Sometimes the humour is to the detriment of the narrative and it often feels like some of the funny scenes have been edited for a half-second longer than they need to be. Some jokes were too obvious and other times I could see that it was a joke but not worth laughing at.

The soundtrack is a really defining feature of this film, and that's not something you can say about any other comic book film, my apologies to all the Prince fans that really loved the Batman soundtrack but seriously, does 'Bat-Dance' really hold up today? The great thing about the GOTG soundtrack is how it is interwoven into the film's narrative and a driving force for Chris Pratt's character.

The climax of the film feels like many of Marvel’s recent efforts. It almost feels like Marvel are using the same template for all their films: something dangerous/ominous floating in the sky whilst a dog-fight occurs, chaotically edited battles with action that is sometimes hard to decipher, and main characters surviving insurmountable odds even when debris, explosions, lasers, or intergalactic super-gems capable of destroying the very fabric of reality are in play. 

Another one of Marvel’s issues rears its ugly head again in this film with Marvel once again under-writing and under-using their villain. Ronan The Accuser was cool and had some good moments but he was no more developed than Malekeith in Thor 2. It really does feel that unless your character’s name is Loki, Marvel are afraid to create a villainous character that can detract any attention from the heroes.

Fingers crossed Avengers: Age of Ultron brings a little something different to the big final battle and the development of their villain. 

Overall, this film has achieved what The Avengers was able to achieve without five films prior to set up the story and that truly needs to be acknowledged despite all else. A really really good film, but just not on the same level as Marvel's best films.

Three Stars (from a galaxy far far away)

NIGHTCRAWLER: SPOILER-FREE MINI-REVIEW:

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One of my students the other day said that they thought that Jake Gyllenhaal would make a fantastic Joker, to be honest; I’m inclined to agree with him. And all of the evidence to support this can be found in Gyllenhaal’s new film ‘Nightcrawler’.

Unfortunately, for fans of X-men, this is not a spin-off film featuring the blue-skinned teleporter with a German accent, but thankfully this film is much cooler.

Jake Gyllenhaal plays Louis Bloom, a down on his luck guy with self-help guru positivity who, desperate for work, starts forcing his way into L.A. crime journalism by filming local crime events and selling the footage to one of the local news broadcasters. Eventually Gyllenhaal’s character moves from being an observer of the crimes to an active participant   as he tries to cement his value and worth to local TV news veteran Nina Romina (played by Rene Russo). Louis Bloom does admit that “he never really had a formal education” however what he does have is an amazing ability to research and retain copious amounts of facts and figures that he always uses to his advantage.

Ultimately the movie seeks to answer that question we have all wondered at one point or another: What if self-help guru Tony Robbins was an emaciated insomniac with borderline autism who free-lances as a sociopathic asshole cameraman? Now that might sound like I’m selling the film very well but I cannot emphasise enough just how much Jake Gyllenhaal sells this character to the audience. Everything is in the performance here, from his gaunt appearance, sunken dark eyes, the intonations in his voice and delivery and just that look that he could snap at any point and do unspeakable acts of violence.

The film itself would really have fallen apart without a good supporting cast so thankfully you have Rene Russo matching Gyllenhaal in performance. She is so strong and determined yet so vulnerable at other times. There is a moment in the film when she and Gyllenhaal are sitting down for dinner and he is just using textbook business tactics to negotiate her into sleeping with him. Your jaw will drop a couple of times during this scene but mostly you’ll have an overwhelming desire to shower after this scene because you feel so violated and dirty.  

Beyond the performances, one of the other great aspects of the film is its dark visual style. The film is set in Los Angeles but this is not the kind of Los Angeles that we are used to seeing in Hollywood films. This is the dark and gritty side of L.A. with director Dan Gilroy focusing on the dark recesses and crevices of the streets, even during stark daylight L.A. looks course and unwelcoming.

I believe this is an Oscar-worthy performance from Gyllenhaal and I do hope he does win accolades for this performance however the truth is this may be too dark a role for the Academy to acknowledge which is unfortunate for Gyllenhaal, if no one else.

Nightcrawler gets five out of five Joker-petitions.

HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY PART 1: SPOILER-FREE MINI-REVIEW:

Yes, it started as a lightweight version of Battle Royale.
Yes, it is yet another in a long line of Young Adult fiction turned into a mega-blockbusters to entertain mostly pre-teens.

However, it’s actually not that bad...

This is the third in the series and already the first two films have earned over $1.5 Billion worldwide. So naturally, what do you do when you have such a successful franchise? Milk it for everything it is worth by splitting the final part in two and essentially get people to pay twice for seeing one film. Harry Potter did it, Twilight has done it, Peter Jackson is just taking the piss by adapting a 300 page story into three films so why not do it here as well?

Mockingjay Part 1 sees our hero, Katniss Everdeen (played by Jennifer Lawrence), recovering from the events of Catching Fire in the underground bunkers of District 13. Whilst here Presidents and publicists attempt to use her as a pawn in their propaganda programs against the Capital’s evil leader President Snow (played by Jack Bauer’s Dad Donald Sutherland). Unfortunately for Katniss, President Snow is using her Reality Television “lover” Peeta (aka the most useless person ever to have on your side when you are fighting other teenagers in a battle to the death for the televised amusement of the public - see previous two films for more details) as a tool for propaganda as well.

As a film based on a Young Adult novel it is leaps and bounds above Twilight and isn’t bogged down by all the unnecessarily complicated rules of The Divergent series and that is probably where this series finds it’s greatest strength: the hyper-real representation of things that happen in our society. The first two films focused heavily on how far “reality television” could go if not kept under control, whilst Mockingjay focuses on the structure and thought-process behind propaganda. This is often spelt out to the audience through the late great Philip Seymour Hoffman (for whom the film is dedicated to) and rising star Natalie Dormer (Margaery Tyrell from Game of Thrones and the future Captain Marvel - I’m calling this one early).

Visually the film uses a lot of hand-held footage and at times, the special effects look a little too obvious, however it is some of the other visual choices that I find most interesting. In particular, I don’t know if this was deliberate or by accident, but Director Francis Lawrence has filmed the underground bunkers of District 13 to have the look and feel of Fritz Lang’s Sci-Fi classic Metropolis complete with thousands of extras in grey suits walking and moving in unison.

Overall, this film does leave you with a sense that you have been constantly teased. With the exception of one action scene in the middle of the film often a lot of the actual action happens off-screen with moments building to something and then cutting to a bunch of people sitting in a room reacting to something we can’t see. Having not read the books and not knowing what is supposed to happen in Part 2 it is hard to tell if splitting the film in two was necessary beyond the milking the proverbial cash-cow. Thankfully, strong performances from Lawrence, Hoffman, Moore, even Hemsworth and a completely underused Woody Harrelson do at least make you feel that you are not being completely ripped off by paying for only half a movie.

Three and a half volunteers of tribute out of five. 
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INTERSTELLAR: SPOILER-FREE MINI-REVIEW:

This film banks on two things:
1) That you are a Christopher Nolan fan.
2) That you really really really like science.

The new film from Christopher Nolan, the man behind the Dark Knight Trilogy, Inception
and Memento brings us one of the BIGGEST space travel adventures ever committed to
film. I really don’t know how I can truly explain just how BIG I mean when I say
BIGGEST, this film has pulled out all the stop with regards to size, scale and stakes.
Matthew McConaughey stars as a former engineer/space pilot turned farmer out of
necessity when Earth stops being sustainable. A series of events lead him to a space
program that is planning to save the Earth and McConaughey must make the gutwrenching
decision of either staying with his kids or saving the entire human race.

The first hour establishes our characters and the stakes and we then swiftly move to
outer space, and this is why you need to see this film in IMAX. Remember when people
told you that you needed to see Gravity on the big screen and you waited until it came
out on Blu-Ray and then wished you had seen it on the big screen? Gravity is a pretty
good comparison for this film and to be fair Gravity shows the beauty of space far better,
however you have never seen wormholes depicted on screen in this way before. They
are beautiful, vast, and at times a little nauseating due to how much you are visually
taking in during the sequences.

Interstellar wears a lot of its influences with pride but it is when the drama and action
kick into gear that is when Nolan pulls ahead of the pack by giving us large scale, all or
nothing, do or die sequences. Whether it’s a fist-fight on an icy planet, mid-space
explosions or mountain-size tidal waves everything has been structured to make sure
that you’re not just on the edge of your seat but that you are holding your breath trying
not to pass out from lack of oxygen.
The soundtrack, much like the rest of the film, borrows from other science-fiction
masterpieces and Hans Zimmer, as always, does an excellent job. The only real issue
with the film though is the soundtrack. Often it is very overpowering and at times when
important pieces of information are being delivered to the audience. Sometimes it was
so loud that I could not hear what was being said and had no idea why a character was
now doing what they were doing.
Nolan has been accused of being very mechanical with the emotional side of his
storytelling however, this time the emotions are just as big as everything else in the film
is. Emotions are just flying everywhere on screen and we get crying, but not just your
run of the mill cinema crying but the ‘ugly crying’ most of that is brought by
McConaughey who really brings his A-game to the emotional stuff.

The films ending is really going to divide people and this is probably the reason this will
be known as Nolan’s most divisive film to date. Unlike 2001: A Space Odyssey,
Interstellar decides to remove any mystery or ambiguity and gives us a very clean and
tidy ending. It is easily too clean and too tidy. Unlike Inception, Interstellar leaves us with
a very clear cut understanding of what has transpired and what will happen, I personally
feel that that is a missed opportunity to give us a real bold ending to match many of the
bold choices provided in the previous 2 hours and 40 minutes.

Overall, this is one of the best films of the year and for the most part, it lives up to the
hype. Inception has a broader appeal than this but it is still good to see a director who
gives us a blockbuster that respects the audience’s intelligence.

Four out of 5 star-devouring wormholes.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: SPOILER-FREE MINI-REVIEW

Shell-shock, but not in the good way.

Yes a new iteration of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has been out at cinemas for
over a week now and it is brought to us by the man who has already ruined our
childhood once, producer Michael “who needs a script” Bay. The good news is that all
those crazy rumours about the Turtles being aliens instead of mutants, a white guy
playing Shredder, and a brunette playing a famous red-head turned out to be mostly
untrue. The unfortunate thing though, the film is still an incredibly awful piece of shit.
Megan Fox does her best impression of Megan Fox in a yellow jacket, which to be fair is
a step up from her performance in Transformers where she didn’t have a yellow jacket
(note: the yellow jacket exudes a lot more personality than Megan Fox.) Even though
Megan is playing the lead in the film, she is solely there to provide forced exposition
throughout the entire film using some of the clunkiest dialogue ever committed to paper
using crayon. Outside of this we also have the voice of Tony Shalhoub (Splinter) and
William Fichtner (not Shredder) delivering more forced exposition, as a matter of fact
95% of dialogue in this film is either explaining what has just happened or what is
happening on screen at that very moment. Granted Fichtner delivers his lines with some
skill, in respect to the fact you can see him smirking the whole time like he knows the
films a joke, but Fox delivers her lines like she’s reading them for the first time before
saying them out loud. The last of the human cast is Will Arnett, who I normally like, but
when you watch this film you realise that he serves no purpose, you could literally write
him out of the entire film by just establishing that Megan Fox can drive.

The film suffers many of the repetitive flaws found in every single blockbuster that’s
been released over the last 8 years such as the over-use of slow-mo shots featuring
physic-defying acrobatics/choreography and the old “magic blood” maguffin. The most
frustrating element of the film is the “Avi Arad” art of filmmaking by making all the
character linked for no apparent reason at all. Because let’s face it, when you’re selling
the idea of six foot tall roided-up talking turtles who know ninjitsu that they learnt from a
book, the audience won’t buy into the concept unless all the key characters are
intimately linked to the origin story. Of course, the villain, Shredder, is a walking knife
factory and a highly trained ninja who looks like Edward Scissorhand fucked a cheesegrater
and had a baby. As the “main villain” he makes very little impact on the story
overall and despite having knives sticking out of every orifice does not manage to cut a
single person nor use said knives when he has a clear upper hand.

With some simple tweaking for the sequel, we could have a great Ninja Turtle movie
that long-time fans deserve to see. Until then, we have one elevator scene to keep a
smile on our face, but that is still not enough to warrant watching this before it is on freeto-
air TV.

One and a half violated cheese-grater.

SNOWPIERCER: SPOILER-FREE MINI-REVIEW

Do yourself a favour and see this film anyway you can, preferably legally so that the
creators get their well-deserved royalties.

The Korean science fiction action film based on the French graphic novel starring an
international cast and filmed in the Czech Republic could have been a complete clusterfuck
but it is easily one of the best films of the year... well technically last year. The film
was originally released in South Korea in August 2013 and it has taken this long to
make it to Australia, and even then Perth had to petition to get it in cinemas.
In the near future, a last ditch effort to combat global warming has the opposite effect
and the earth becomes so frozen that you almost expect to see a saber-toothed squirrel
trying to get some nuts. The last remaining humans all live on a perpetual-powered train
where the passengers have been broken up into a class system where the rich bask in
excess in the front carriages, whilst the poor inhabit the tail of the train. Amongst the
poor is a reluctant leader of a rebellion, Curtis Everett (played by Captain America), who
has been planning a revolt for some time. So when the tension hits boiling point the
revolt begins and Cap and his team must make their way to the front carriages in to take
control of the train.

The film is layered with amazingly killer action sequences and deep character moments.
The most amazing scenes are actually when characters are just talking to one another
and reveal things about themselves. When you hear things like “I know what people
taste like” and what they say next then you will struggle to pick your jaw up off the floor.
But at the end of the day that is what separates this film from many other blockbusterfare:
you either get the spectacle or the character moments, very rarely do you get both
and that’s why this film is a must-see.

On top of the great fight choreography, the film’s narrative structure is propelled through
the characters making their way through the carriages, with each carriage having its
own personality. The carriages always represent a challenge for our characters, each
time in a new and inventive way, however each carriage also doubles as a mirror for
different aspects of modern society from local, national and international perspectives.
How often do you get that in a blockbuster nowadays?

The film does border on bat-shit-crazy at times but it is so beautifully shot and well acted
that those moments are fleeting and still work in the context of the film. Granted this film
may not be for everyone but if you are looking for something different, that shows what
happens when the biggest powerhouses in cinema (Korea, America, and the United
Kingdom) work together then you are in for a treat.

So once again, do yourself a favour and see this film anyway you can, preferably legally
so that the creators get their well-deserved royalties.

4 and 3 quarter out of 5 well-deserved royalty-cheques.

SIMPSONS/FAMILY GUY CROSSOVER: SPOILER-FREE MINI-REVIEW

“The Simpsons hasn’t been funny since Season 8.”

“Family Guy is just a poor-man’s version of The Simpsons.”

These things are definitely acknowledged in the episode, some more caustically than
others, however with the combined writing power of The Simpsons and Family Guy you
have probably one of the strongest episodes either series has seen in a long while.
Granted I believe both shows have seen there best years but each has their strengths:
even the weakest Simpsons episode has biting satirical wit, Family Guy will still hit you
with at least one laugh-out-loud moment. Unfortunately both shows do have their
weaknesses: The Simpsons, having run for so long, has begun to run dry in the story
department and Family Guy has moved from fast-paced surreal comedy into the meanspirited
soap-box rantings of Seth McFarlane.

The crossover has some funny moments that play to both of The Simpsons and Family
Guys back catalogue and really hammers some great visual gags along with a Peter Vs.
Homer fight that makes all the previous Chicken fights appear limp in comparison.
To Family Guys credit, they have really been brave to highlight all the similarities
between them and The Simpsons. To be honest I never realised how many similarities
there were in relation to the characters in both shows. The unfortunate thing though is
that this episode really does highlight many of the issues with Family Guy: tongue in
cheek references that often can come off as very bitter and mean-spirited. They take
constant digs at The Simpsons and even Bob’s Burgers (a low blow considering Bob’s
Burgers has some of the best back and forth banter on TV right now.)

A lot of this cynicism towards The Simpsons can be traced back to Season 6, Episode 2
of Family Guy where, if you listen to the commentary track, Seth McFarlane shares his
animosity for producer James L. Brooks that led to both him and the writers listing all
the issues with The Simpsons. The most frustrating issue when listening to this
commentary track today is that a lot of the things they ranted about The Simpsons is
now true of Family Guy: they don’t know how to tell a story anymore, they can’t give an
episode a proper ending, and they have really lost their way. If the writers of Family Guy
could keep this level of quality from this crossover episode, they just might move from
strength to strength.

This is a pretty good episode if only for the fact that the crossover makes so many
strong references to both shows best elements.

However, for now I will stick with Archer, American Dad and Bob’s Burgers.

GONE GIRL: SPOILER-FREE MINI-REVIEW

David Fincher is one of the last great directors of adult films.

Not those kinds of ‘adult films.’

Gone are the days of films like The Godfather, adult dramas that were produced by
studios with a decent budget to match. Nowadays if you pitch an ‘adult drama’ to the
studios it better have guns, explosions, car chases and big f*ck-off robots beating the
sh*t out of each other if you want to get a big budget, otherwise you’re relegated to
‘indie-adult-drama.’

The guy who brought us Zodiac, The Social Network and the U.S. version of The Girl
With The Dragon Tattoo (yes I know he made Se7en and Fight Club) still makes quality
adult dramas with a solid budget, and Gone Girl is no different. Based on the 2012
bestseller, the film stars Ben Affleck as a bar owner whose wife goes missing, and as
the film progresses he is put under severe scrutiny by the public, the police and the
media over his involvement in the case. Telling you anymore would be spoiling things.
The narrative is non-linear at the start and this has been done deliberately to cleverly
reveal things to us as the audience. As the film moves along you begin questioning
which characters to side with and sometimes whose story is more believable. The film
shifts focus between characters throughout the runtime and helps to keep the film
engaging but most importantly keeps you on your toes.

As the lead, Ben Affleck has gone from strength to strength over the last few years: as
an actor he’s chosen wiser roles, as a director he’s just getting better with each film, and
as a person he’s learnt to manage the media and his personal image. So the casting of
Affleck as Nick Dunne seems so right for this stage of his life, sans the missing or dead
wife of course. When the end credits roll you’ll realise that this film is just what Affleck
needed in the lead up to his role as the new incarnation of the Dark Knight. However,
the real star of this film, sorry Batfleck fans, is former Bond girl Rosamund Pike. She is
just amazing as she morphs within her character over and over again that is almost
impossible to keep track of who she really is - and it’s more than just a physical
transformation, you have to do a double-take sometimes to realise that it’s still the same
character.

Like any Fincher film, it is beautifully shot with so much attention to detail with regards to
set dressing, the lighting and camera work. This meticulous attention to detail is so
thorough that the pay-off just draws you into the film even more so. And like any David
Fincher film, it is dark, sometimes so dark it borders on pitch-black, but it is also funny,
darkly darkly funny.

Four and a half out of five non-linear stars.

TUSK: SPOILER-FREE MINI-REVIEW

The promotional hashtag for this film is #WalrusYes, after seeing Tusk I’d rather say

#WalrusMeh

Yes this is Kevin Smith’s 11th feature film, the man who brought us Clerks, Mallrats and

Chasing Amy in his early career who once stated that he would retire from directing

after 10 films, and maybe, just maybe, he needs to possibly reconsider this.

Tusk is based on a random Gumtree advertisement that Smith and his long-time

producer buddy Scott Moiser discussed on one of their many Smodcasts about a

person seeking a companion to dress as a walrus. From here the Gumtree ad has been

fleshed out into the story of a Podcaster who travels to Canada in search of a story

which results in him becoming part of an old mans sick and torturous games.

I wonder how many other films have been created based on Gumtree ads? Was

Christopher Nolan searching for a second hand chair when he stumbled on the idea for

Inception? Or were the Wachowski Brothers searching for spare parts for a bike when

they found an ad that inspired The Matrix? (because that might definitely explain the

sequels.)

Now I know Smith has an army of loyal fans (2.66 million Twitter fans and counting) and

I run the risk of angering said fans but sometimes you’ve got to call a spade a spade

and this spade is a completely uneven mess. The film doesn’t really know whether it

wants to be a comedy or a horror movie and unfortunately the balance and the skill-set

is not there to make both the horror and the comedy work together. Mostly because the

comedy is entrenched with in-jokes, that only Smith’s inner circle of listeners would

understand - leaving the rest of the audience out of the loop.

There are some good points: the reveal of the “walrus” is not dragged out and the reveal

is pretty horrifying and disturbing. Michael Parks is absolutely brilliant in this film as the

menacing and completely deranged Howard Howe, his drawl and stories will echo in

your head and send a chill down your spine.

The rest of the cast, with the exception of Genesis Rodriguez, are actually quite

annoying, especially the “mystery” cast-member. This cast member is not properly

credited in the film at first it feels like it is going to be a cameo but they remain for the

rest of the film - this unfortunately becomes incredibly tiresome and annoying which is a

pity considering which actor it is. I don’t want to spoil who it is but I will say that he’s a

51 year old actor, who has played a famous pirate - a lot, who also works with Tim

Burton - a lot, so maybe the annoyance is just par for the course based on the many

roles he has played over the last couple of decades.

The film is filled with lots of monologues, lots and lots and lots of monologues. It can

build up tension at times but often it shows just how little story was actually there for

fleshing out.

Don’t get me wrong I was a huge Kevin Smith fan back in the day, and I emphasise

‘was’, I don’t have anything against the guy, I just don’t think he has made many good

film choices over the last 13 years. Sure the guy gave us Clerks II in that time but that

was him, in his own words, ‘retreating back to the well‘ after the failure of Jersey Girl. I

think that it is great that Smith is working outside of his comfort-zone however I can’t

help but think that there were ‘better’ stories that he has discussed in Podcasts,

Smodcasts, Comic-Cons, Q&A Evenings, drunken or stoned rants, etc.; that could have

been turned into a film...

One and a half out of five thinly stretched ideas.