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Finally sat down and watched this film, I'd like to say it was against my will, but the truth is I was looking for a reason to get angry.
This is our worst nightmare come to life: Michael Bay unleashed! Michael Bay completely and utterly unrestrained from his previous limitations and amplifying all his worst qualities: ridiculous product-placement, overly-complicated shots, and people running through unrealistic explosions but now with unashamed desire to appeal to the Chinese market.
Yes the fourth film in the series was released earlier this year and became the highest grossing movie in the world for the calendar year, earning over $1 billion and making Michael Bay and giant robots that beat the sh*t out of each other officially critic-proof. It was panned by critics the world over, even more so than ‘Revenge of the Fallen’, and it seems that audiences just piled into cinemas to see it regardless.
Apparently this film is supposed to be a reboot, however they’ve kept the same director and they spend their time referring to the previous films - so I don’t know how it’s really a reboot. Sure they’ve got rid of all of the original annoying cast, but they’ve just replaced them with an equally annoying cast. We have a forgettable main cast and Mark Walberg, don’t get me wrong, I like Mark Walberg but not when he’s the lead in a film, he has yet to prove that he’s a memorable lead in a movie. If you need evidence just compare his roles in ‘The Happening‘ and ‘Shooter‘ to his roles in ‘The Departed‘ and ‘Three Kings’ - the guy tends to work better in ensembles, with ‘The Fighter’ probably being he only exception.
Touted by Bay as being more serious in tone and less jokey you can’t help but feel like he’s telling a flat out lie when you see the large array of supporting cast there solely for comic relief. On top of this everything in this film demonstrates that nothing has be learnt from the pervious films as we are fed the exact same movie all over again but in different locations this time.
The series now sink to new horrendous lows when it comes to objectifying women, or in this case an underage girl, they seriously stop the movie to discuss statutory rape laws in favour of having sex with minors. As a father, if I found out my daughter was sleeping with a guy who carries a laminated ‘get out of rape free‘ card in his wallet, I believe that is justification to murder the little prick. I’m also surprised that the scene doesn’t cut away to Michael Bay smoking a cigar and drinking a brandy just to camera and say “You’re welcome men of America.”
You know what, let’s skip the formalities and just be honest about this film:
It's the same goddamn storyline every time: the Decepticons require some kind of MacGuffin, the Autobots want to stop the Decepticons from getting/using said MacGuffin. In the climax the MacGuffin is entrusted to the human characters that you couldn't give two sh*ts about to transport and explosions ensue!! Every f#%king time!!
And this time they don't even care enough about the audience to actually finish the story. They kill the main bad guy and then stand there saying that they have saved the day when there's a big fucking spaceship floating over China filled with an army of killer robots!! I mean what the actual f#%k?!
Narrative means jack-sh*t in this film, and I mean serious jack-sh*t. At the beginning of the film we see giant metal dinosaurs, so it's safe to assume that they are the Dinobots.... Right? Nope. As a matter of fact the Dinobots don't show up until the final 15 minutes of the film, they have nothing to do with the dinosaurs at the beginning, the dinosaurs at the beginning are never mentioned again and there's no explanation for why the Dinobots take on the form of dinosaurs. This is how little the writers and Bay cases about your intelligence as an audience!
There are so many questions this film leaves you asking that the fear of an aneurism should be at the forefront of your mind. Questions like:
- Why are the Autobots all a$$holes? Especially Optimus Prime?
- Why would humans use the head of Megatron to reverse engineer their own robots? And why would they keep at it when it kept looking like Megatron every time they tried to build it?
- Why did the annoying little robot helping the humans not warn them about all of Megatrons plans?
- Where the f#%k did all the other Autobots go when Galvatron attacks Prime?
- Why do they only show up only after they've kidnapped Prime?
- Why does Prime need all those repairs when all it seems he needed to do was drive past another truck and he'll magically become new again?
- Why are the Dinobots allowed to roam free around China at the end of the year?
There is so much disrespect towards the audience that I’ve devised a new ratings system just for this movie:
Transformers: Age of Extinction gets 10 out of 10 venereal diseases I’d rather have than watch another Michael Bay directed Transformer sh*t-sandwich.
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