THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES: SPOILER-FREE MINI-REVIEW:

The problem with prequels, you’re always asking the same questions. Questions like, ‘why didn’t they use that weapon in the original trilogy?’ or ‘where were those creatures in the first three films?’ or ‘why build the tension with this character? Especially when you know they survive for the films set after these prequels?’ or most importantly, ‘why do these characters look older than they did in the first set of films when they are supposed to be younger here?’ These are just a few of the questions you’ll be asking when you watch The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. 

The final chapter of the 300-page novel that precedes The Lord of the Rings series has finally been released and the biggest question, why did it take three films to tell a 300-page story, is also the easiest to answer, money. The film tells the story of ‘five armies‘ battling it out for all the riches in a mountain and in the middle of all this, Bilbo Baggins - a ring-obsessed thief who claims not to be a thief yet seems so very good at it. It is a story of obsession, deception and redemption in varying forms.

Director Peter Jackson brings everything you’ve come to expect from these films: large sweeping camera movements, large-scale pixelated armies and long-stretching choreographed fight-sequences that often border on the absurd. All these elements have been mimicked by filmmakers ever since The Fellowship of the Ring but Jackson still does it the best, however, in this final installment it feels like some of this has been to his detriment.

The film does have some unintentionally funny moments such as the arrival of the ‘five armies’, before the big battle begins it feels like a bad Ron Burgundy TV news anchor battle sketch where you are half-expecting Ben Stiller and Will Ferrell to suddenly show up and enter the battle. The Orcs, who are born and bred for war, are about as effective as Stormtroopers, which makes you wonder why they are considered a threat in the first place. And let’s just quickly touch on the ‘five armies’, I only counted four at a push, I mean Humans, Elves, Dwarves and Orcs, not really sure who the other army is.... Do Eagles count as an army, because once again, when all else fails, Eagles solve everything.

Jackson has always been one to push the boundaries of technology and it is good to see that he sticks to his guns, unfortunately after three films, the High Frame Rate (HFR) has not shown these films in their best possible light. Yes, the picture quality is crystal clear but the CGI becomes increasingly more obvious, especially when paired up with live actors. Any sequences where characters are running or fighting have a ‘Benny Hill‘ quality to them and when a scene hasn’t been colour-corrected, it stands out painfully like you’ve gone from watching a David Fincher film to watching an episode of Doctor Who, with no disrespect to Doctor Who.    

From a narrative perspective, this is just a mess. The film begins immediately after the last one ended which drives home once again what a non-ending the last film was and the film revolves essentially around one long battle. Martin Freeman is good as always but completely underused as he is hardly featured in the film with the story often focusing on Thorin, or Legolas, who was never in the original book, or a Dwarf/Elf love-story, that yet again, was never in the original book. With the exception of Thorin, many of these stories and other characters never originally in the book could easily have been removed with no effect to the story. Thankfully, there are not seventeen endings to finish this trilogy but what we do have is some of the longest and most drawn out character deaths in cinematic history which, at times, will almost have you saying ‘just die already!’

So the Middle Earth Saga is finally over, well until the completely unnecessary Extended Edition with more Dwarfy/Elf love/tension scenes and more small-town politics discussions. Hopefully though we’ll also be treated to a condensed edition where they edit all three films down into one less bloated version of the book, you know, like they did with the original trilogy.

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies gets three out of five prayers that Peter Jackson will just leave Middle Earth alone after all this.