THE HATEFUL EIGHT: SPOILER-FREE REVIEW:

Ever wanted to see a Western version of Cluedo directed by Quentin Tarantino? Well you’re in luck because The Hateful Eight is Tarantino’s very own murder-mystery with his usual brand of violence, expletives and a polished Ennio Morricone soundtrack for good measure. 

Set in Wyoming 12 years after the Civil War, The Hateful Eight sets you up for a three hour slogfest with some of the most racist, sexist, homophobic individuals you’ve ever met who seem to be hell-bent on beating Jennifer Jason Leigh’s character to a bloody pulp throughout the course of the film. With a whole lot of money on the line and a bunch of doings a transpiring plus things not quite adding up, you will be sitting in the cinema trying to piece everything together before the end as you try to figure out who is not being honest in a room full of only eight people. 

So look, Tarantino is not for everybody. Some people can’t stand him, some people love him. For full disclosure, I’m in the latter category. Much like Martin Scorsese, I just love Tarantino’s encyclopedic knowledge of film because it’s always up there on the screen to enjoy, his homages to films of a similar ilk are there to trainspot, whilst he still remains committed to keeping everything in the same cinematic universe with references and winks that establish that it’s all connected, even during the post-civil war era of Westerns.   

The performances are all strong. Kurt Russell looks like a bear and you almost want to cuddle him if he wasn't such a scary as f*ck guy, Samuel L Jackson brings what Samuel L Jackson always does to a Tarantino film, Tim Roth plays the perfectly creepy Englishman, whilst Michael Madsen is probably the one character who feels a bit short changed amongst the key cast. Jennifer Jason Leigh, aka the human punching bag in this film, brings a well-deserved Oscar nominated performance through not just the terrifying things she says but the heart-breaking quiet moments she can have in the film as Tarantino just lets the camera linger on her after copping an elbow to the nose or a hot bowl of stew to the face. However the stand-out performance, for my money anyway, is from Walter Goggins, who you may remember a Venus Van Dam from Sons Of Anarchy, he just plays this despicable racist red-neck who you almost come to like if he wasn't still a despicable racist red-neck. 

The cinematography is second to none in this film with Tarantino going all out with the Panavison 70mm filming. Normally used for sweeping landscape shots this film works so beautifully in the confines of a wooden haberdashery as well. The frame is filled with characters going about their business in the background as other characters spit Tarantino's dialogue forcing you to pay attention to what everyone is doing in this film, when it's not focused on characters in the background then the 70mm film allows us to see the beautifully detailed backdrops of the haberdashery complete with floating snowflakes. Watching this on the big screen is a must, please don't watch a downloaded version of this film, it does a disservice to Tarantino effort and there is no way it could look half as good as it does in the comfort of a cinema.         

This film is really for the intense Tarantino fans because it plays to all of his best strengths: intense character development set within a single location, much like Reservoir Dogs, sudden and dramatic changes in protagonist, much like Death Proof, and explicit attention to detail through the sets and cinematography like in Django Unchained and Inglorious Basterds. At nearly three hours long, Tarantino drags out a lot of these elements more so than usual so it may test the patience of some of his more devoted fans, however the ending has a satisfying conclusion that makes up for any frustration some fans may feel. Although there’s no denying that the film could easily have been edited down.  

Tarantino’s films normally ride a sea of controversy and in this case one of the big talking points is the violence towards women, or in this case violence centered all around Jennifer Jason Leigh’s character. It’s always sudden and always confronting, however the one thing that often seems to be overlooked is how strong and terrifying her character is amidst all this violence. It could be argued that the violence is representative of the time and place the film is set, but does this make Tarantino a misogynist? To be honest, it’s not my place to say. As a white male in my mid-thirties, I have no right to “man-splain” misogyny in a Tarantino movie any more than “white-splain” whether Tarantino has the right to use the N-word in his movies. 

Overall, this film is a great murder-mystery that stretches for a near three hours, Tarantino masterfully manipulates you into playing the guessing game for the whole length of the film. Once everything is finally revealed and we have a dramatic change in protagonist you realise as an audience member that all the clues were right there in front of you all along, which makes The Hateful Eight a must-watch for a second time. 

The Hateful Eight gets Four and a Half out of Five Stars (or Four and a Half ********** ********** ********* out of Five ******** ******** ********* *******) 

KILL ME THREE TIMES: SPOILER-FREE FILM-REVIEW:

Wow, what an incredibly boring piece of shit film, and people wonder why audiences aren’t flocking to cinemas to see Australian movies. However, if you want to see Simon Pegg be completely underused, whilst the director fails at doing their best Tarantino impression and shows us a bunch of boring characters you couldn’t care less about then I’d highly recommend watching Kill Me Three Times.

Set and filmed down in Margaret River, the movie cuts up the narrative to show you a the events of a series of forgettable double-crossing Aussies and a British hit-man, played by ‘Shaun of the Dead’s Simon Pegg. How forgettable are they? Well it stars that guy from the ‘300‘ sequel, that girl who was in zombie-flick ‘Warm Bodies’, that dodgy-guy from ‘Underbelly‘, that guy from ‘Cocktail‘ that wasn’t Tom Cruise and also starring Thor’s other other brother, Dwarf Hemsworth. Each actor plays a very one dimensional character with a dark side and no clear motivation other than ‘we’re just bad people.’

The shots of Margaret River are quite beautiful and that’s where the compliments for this film end. It’s just so fucking boring, I can see it’s trying to be interesting with its dutch tilts, non-linear narrative and crime-world themes but amidst all its desire to be an Australian Tarantino film it’s forgotten the one key element that makes Tarantino’s films so engaging: interesting characters. This film takes no time to establish who the characters are and what makes them tick, we just move from one action to another without feeling invested in any characters. And of course let’s not forget the other cardinal sin of this film: having Simon Pegg and doing nothing with him. This could have been a great role for him but he comes off as so bland that they could have given the role to anyone else.

But the flaws of this film extend beyond just the film itself, this is yet another Australian film that sought out star power, got it but then didn’t capitalise on it. Last year, ‘Son of a Gun‘ gave us Ewan McGregor, a movie filmed in Perth but when the premiere arrived Ewan McGregor was nowhere to be seen. Sure he gave a few shout-outs via Twitter when filming here but then did little to no promotional work during the film’s release. Simon Pegg  has done a little more promotional work and interviews for this film but let’s be honest, how many people actually knew that this film was coming out? As an industry, Australian film companies need to lock down overseas talent to ensure that they are there for the promotional push of these films if they ever want to get the traction they need to succeed.

Overall, this film really needs to find its own identity instead of borrowing so heavily from others and focus a lot less on style and more on characters if it wants to be memorable. See it if you must, but I’m sure there are better things you could be doing with your life: watching your toenails grow, getting a tooth removed, licking the inside of an ashtray.

Kill Me Three Times gets Half a Star out of Five (or 90 minutes of your life wasted)

THE REVENANT: SPOILER-FREE REVIEW:

Leonardo DiCaprio gets f*cked by a bear... Sorry, typo. DiCaprio gets f*cked up by a bear. In any other DiCaprio movie that would be how the movie ends because let’s face it, DiCaprio and Sean Bean are seeing who can die in the most films, however this is how the new survivalist film The Revenant starts.

The film follows John Glass, an experienced explorer who is mauled half to death by a bear and is then left for dead when his injuries become too much of a hinderance for the rest of his groups survival. On top of this Glass is brutally betrayed by one of his own men, played by mumbling Tom Hardy, who murders his son before attempting to bury him alive. From here, DiCaprio forces himself through sheer will and determination to make it back to camp and seek revenge for the death of his son.

The first thing that needs to be said about this movie is that it is beautiful, it’s harsh and unforgiving, but it is beautifully shot and executed. The director of Birdman,  Alejandro González Iñárritu, has used every visual trick in the book, along with filming exclusively with only natural lighting to create a visceral and harsh terrain for our characters that really brings realism to the forefront of the film. Once again he uses long tracking shots to bring us closer to the characters and their surroundings and at times you’ll be wondering when you saw the last cut between shots. Trust me, there are going to be some hard things to watch in this movie, mostly because it all looks so real but it’s also one of the main reasons to see this on the big screen.

But let’s get to the performances: Leonardo DiCaprio goes full Bear Grylls in this movie, AND YOU NEVER GO FULL BEAR GRYLLS - but let’s face it, if anyone’s going to do, it should be Leonardo DiCaprio. This is a guy who has been seeking Oscar glory for his whole career, and still hasn’t achieved this, but you can see the pain in his face as he gives it his all in this film. Not only is he doing the intense DiCaprio thing, but he also the only actor this Oscar season who has eaten raw fish from a river raw moose liver for our entertainment - the only thing missing was him drinking his own pee. So Academy, if you listening, please give him the Oscar, because I’d hate to see what he does next for our approval. 

Of course it’s not all about DiCaprio in this film. There are some great performances from Will Poulter, a cast of really intense looking Indian characters and probably cinemas most valuable player of 2015, Domhnall Gleeson, but the other big star is Tom Hardy. Yes, after playing mumbling Mad Max, and the charming and scary Kray twins, we have Hardy returning to his mumbling best as the villain of the piece John Fitzgerald. Don’t get me wrong, his performance is brutal and intense but also incredibly hard to understand as, much like in the film Lawless, he has opted to deliver all his lines mid-mumble. So essentially for the majority of the film DiCaprio is unable to talk so is reliant on communicating in only grunts and groans, add to this Tom Hardy once again doing an intense mumbling, hard to decipher performance and you easily have a contender for best foreign language film.

Overall, this movie is brutal as f*ck. Really that should be the whole review but there’s a whole lot more to talk about. But honestly, do yourself a favour and see this on the big screen if for no other reason than to see the brutal Saving Private Ryan-style opening scene.

The Revenant gets Four and a Half out of Five Stars (or Four and a Half out of Five DiCaprio getting f*cked by a bear dream sequences...)