How many actual shades of grey are there? I mean, it’s a really good question, because, if you’ve already got fifty shades of grey and then you add another fifty shades of even darker greys, how long before you run out of greys? After a cursory glance at the internet I discovered that there’s over 500 shades of grey and I’m like oh f*ck they could just keep making these films forever!
Yep, it’s the sequel to the film that’s based on the book that was based on Twilight fan-fiction that made a world full of horny middle-aged women feel really flustered under the collar and resulted in a whole bunch of meek husbands having to walk into adult stores and embarrassingly ask for the list of items their wives had left on the fridge under the heading “date night”. So look it’s been two years since Fifty Shades Of Grey hit cinemas and actually made a decent amount of cash, however with a change of director, scripting issues between the studio and the original books writer, rumours of the key cast just plain not liking each other, along with the general belief among book readers that the second book didn’t live up to the first, the big question is: are people still smouldering for a glimpse of CGI rendered pubes?
The erotic melodrama sees Christian Grey, the billionaire-shirtless-horse-whipping-enthusiastic trying to win back Anastasia Steel, a vanilla women who’s very busy doing important business things to really consider a relationship with abs-man. Although as the film progresses, the two begin to do their thing again and then that thing is complicated by the inclusion of the other women in Christian’s life. Needless to say, jealousy ensues along with a range of other stuff that was really distracting me from looking at my watch throughout the 115 minute runtime.
Now look, I know I’m not the target audience for this film and as absurd as I might find the dialogue and situations the film has on offer, I’m sure that people who aren’t fans of superhero films view them in the same way with their dialogue, costumes and sequences. So, even though the film isn’t for me, I can see it’s appeal for it’s target audience, you know, women who haven't yet discovered that you can get free porn on the internet: you have a male model billionaire who falls hopelessly in love with you and will do anything to get you, although let’s overlook the creeper, stalker-y, overly-possessive, psychologically abusive aspects of his personality because he looks good with his shirt off and he can buy pretty much anything he wants.
Truth be told, I didn’t mind the original too much - it was a little fun, it was a little kinky and it was some simple escapism catered to an audience who don’t often get the lion’s share of the theatre-time. However, by comparison, the film is about fifty shades tamer than it’s predecessor: the scenes are a lot less kinky, the dialogue is not as sexually charged, and missionary seems to be the only position the film is interested in featuring. I’m sure I remember the first film taking some more risks; this one is definitely Fifty Shades of Vanilla.
On top of this, the film features a series of just random moments that don’t seem to have much consequence, which is just strange from a story-telling perspective. Characters come in and out of the story and there are potential set-ups with potential pay-offs however there is no pay off at least within this film. Characters get suddenly removed from the story and then are never spoken of again, they might show up briefly doing something that looks important but once again nothing happens. I was constantly asking the wife, “does he come back?”, “was that important?”, “did that happen on purpose?”, “is that setting up for the third film?” and the answer was often, “no, I don’t remember them returning in the book”, and I don’t know, for me, that’s just poor story-telling. Missed opportunities and false set-ups only leave you feeling that a story could have been better, and that’s not really the feeling you want coming out of the cinema.
Overall, this film series has its’ dedicated following and they will certainly be happy none the less. If you’re on Team Fifty Shades, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it, but maybe not as much as the first film. If you are not on Team Fifty Shades and you are being dragged to see it anyway, just try and view it as an unintentional comedy and you’re bound to gain some enjoyment from the film.
Fifty Shades Darker gets Twenty out of Fifty Shades of Vanilla (or if you’re looking at it as an unintentional comedy, Thirty Five out of Fifty Shades of Comedy Gold)
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