LOGAN: SPOILER-FREE REVIEW:

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So this is it, if Hugh Jackman is to be believed, this will be the last time we see the Jacked-Man play Wolverine. Although he has been said on more than one occasion before that he was hanging up the claws. Hell, he’s probably said “one last time” more often than Michael Bay has with Transformers. However, this time it feels like it could be true, because after seeing Hugh Jackman and James Mangold’s Logan, there is no better farewell for a character that has been with us for seventeen years. 

Loosely based on Mark Millar and Steve McNiven’s comic book classic Old Man Logan, we find ourselves in the year 2029 where mutants are now few and far between, Professor X’s once brilliant mind is slowly deteriorating and Logan himself is a broken man, covered in as many scars as he has regrets. Hiding out as a limo driver along the Mexican border and trying to avoid everything that makes him the Wolverine, Logan takes one last job to protect a mother and her young daughter from some savage men and get them both to a safe place. 

Now when actors or directors say they will only return to the role if the script is right you’re often left walking out of Spectre or Jason Bourne going “seriously, that’s the best script you can come up with?” so it’s acceptable to be a little sceptical when Jackman said he would only do one last Wolverine movie if the script is absolutely perfect. Thankfully though, Jackman was true to his word. 

So the film itself excels in comparison to all the previous X-Men films: the stakes are more personal, the tone is as coarse as the grittiest of sandpaper, and the violence in this film makes you realise just how comical last year’s Deadpool really was. Make no mistake about it, this is a violent movie, do not be bringing your kids to see this because you think those X-Men movies are so family-friendly and adventurous. Getting back to the film as a whole, this is the Wolverine that Hugh Jackman has promised from the very beginning, we get the berserker Wolverine, we get a Wolverine who walks away from a fight looking like he just lost a three-way machete-match between Jason Voorhees  and Freddy Krueger. But throughout all those beatings, the most important thing this film delivers on is a character study of not only James Howlett, but Professor Charles Xavier. 

Between the burst of well orchestrated violence and action set pieces that often defy the traditional conventions and then turn those conventions on their head to be used in new and inventive ways, we explore the mindset of both Jackman’s Logan and Stewart’s Xavier. Knowing that this may be the last time we see these character together again, James Mangold isn’t afraid to have some long stretches where character moments just get the chance to breathe. In this J.J. Abrams ADD-riddled approach to storytelling nowadays where there needs to be an action sequence every ten minutes in case the audience gets sleepy, Logan takes the more 70’s approach to filmmaking and lets us really get to know the characters so that when the action hits, and hits hard, it really is like three Adamantium claws to the guts when we see these beloved characters fighting, bleeding and screaming, for their lives. Some may find the pacing in this 137 minute road movie a bit of a slog, but the pay offs and character arcs are worth taking the “Ritalin” for.      

Even though the trailers have all been stellar, along with the amazing black and white photography James Mangold has been releasing constantly throughout production, there are still some concerns that people may have had. The great thing is, none of these concerns are even remotely an issue. Those comic book fans who don’t feel it can live up to the Old Man Logan story for obvious licensing reason need not worry, Logan is just a brutal and affecting as the original story and stands on its own above all previous X-Men films. Those who thought introducing a kid into the mix was going to be a recipe for box office poison, fear not, Laura, or as she is also known X-23, is a bad-ass and a real scene stealer at times, but make no doubt, it is not at the expense of Hugh Jackman or Patrick Stewart who both bring their A-game to this film. 

So a lot of other reviewers seem to be drawing comparisons to The Dark Knight with regards to quality and quite frankly, I think that’s lazy and pretty inaccurate: Logan is its’ own beast and more in line with some of Clint Eastwood’s classics such as Unforgiven and Gran Torino. Jackman, much like Eastwood is putting his well-known persona to rest in this film. It has sprinkles of Unforgiven with the Western look and feel all throughout whilst the themes of coming to terms with age and attitudes that were so heavily laboured in Gran Torino can be found within Jackman’s very nuanced performance. On top of this there are countless other influences throughout the film such as Children Of Men with the “no more mutants” theme, there’s a Mad Max aesthetic to the wastelands they travel through, there’s elements of The Terminator along with classic cowboy movies like Shane and Mickey Rourke’s redemption tale in The Wrestler. 

Is the film perfect? Near enough. The only complaints I would have would be the most fickle of complaints. Moments where I felt that another character from Wolverine’s past may have served as a better physical antagonist, however the physical threat that Logan goes up against, really is surprising. The villains are not really fleshed out, however that doesn’t mean that they aren’t interesting, and much like in the Marvel Studio films, the villains are never as important as the heroes journey, and I’m ok with that.  

Overall, this is nothing short of a fantastic stand-alone X-Men movie that doesn’t labor the previous films mythology or continuity which makes for one of the more refreshing comic book films we have seen in a long while, mostly because it’s not trying to be a comic book movie, but rather just be a great film. With seventeen years of investment in these characters, Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart have definitely earned their dues, whilst for the first time in a comic book movie, we have a film that hits you like three Adamantium claws in the heart, and you will find yourself crying on more than one occasion. And if that’s not indicative of how this film sets a new standard for comic book movies, then I don’t know what is.  

Logan gets Four and a Half out of Five Stars (or Four and a Half out of Five Adamantium claws right through your very soul) 

FIST FIGHT: SPOILER-FREE REVIEW:

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I know that some people’s dream would be to punch actor Charlie Day in the face, however because the Make A Wish Foundation don’t have that as an option, the next best thing might be to get Ice Cube to do it for you in the new movie about teachers with poor inter-relationship skills, Fist Fight. 

Set on the last day of the school year in a run-down middle-American high school where resources are as low as the morale, the ethics of some of the teachers and counsellors is questionable to say the very least, students seem to look about twenty-six for some reason and staff are being fired left, right and centre; we find Andy Campbell, played by Always Sunny’s Charlie Day put in a position where he has to rat on man with a permanent scowl on his face Ice Cube which ultimately leads to a fight after school which has the whole community abuzz. Of course in between all of this, Andy needs to reapply for his job, make it to his daughter’s dance recital, make it home to his pregnant wife who’s ready to drop any moment now and somehow manage to get out of the inevitable ass-whooping that’s a-coming. 

At ninety-one minutes in length, the film is mercifully short when compared to the normal run times of comedies nowadays but still manages to pack in a lot into its’ relatively thin premise and this is mostly due to the supporting cast. Yes you have Charlie Day playing a very Charlie Day kind of character and Ice Cube is scary as f*ck which is par the course for all of his roles; you have Jillian Bell of Workaholics and 22 Jump Street fame playing, essentially the same character she plays in both those series, and you have a Tracy Morgan who appears to have just wandered onto set and has been allowed to just do Tracy Morgan-things. This cast ad-libs and provides the usual random crudeness which is certainly funny if not a little repetitive of, well, every friggin’ American comedy for the last decade and a half. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of all the cast, but they all seem to be in cruise-control mode when it comes to the characters they play - it would just be good to see these actors mix it up a little with their characters.

The fight itself pulls a lot of inspiration from other famous fight scenes such as Clint Eastwood’s Any Which Way But Loose and the forever awesome fight between the late, great Roddy Piper and Keith David in They Live however the fight itself easily succumbs to cliche just like every other aspect of the film. As mentioned before, without spoiling how any moment ends, you have a job interview, a dance recital, an impending birth along with the promised fist fight and without seeing any of the film, you already know how each scene is going to end. The same can be said for many of the visual gags in the film, you just know that two boys pushing around lawnmowers on a football field during end of year prank day is going to lead to only one thing.  

Once again, the cast are good and I am a big fan of Charlie Day, I think he’s got that manic energy that makes him a modern day Bobcat Goldthwait however all his time on Always Sunny In Philadelphia has probably ruined people’s expectations for his film work. When you have a show like Always Sunny, where the characters can be really dark and f*cked up and pretty much anything goes, the characters on the big screen just feel like a step back from that because it all feels too safe. 

Now I’m not wanting to labor on the actors in character cruise-control complaint too much, but I really feel that that is what keeps this film from being truly memorable, each actor plays the same character they always play and their comedy and choices stay very in-line with their U.S.P. - a very risk averse approach. Just for example, the film features Christina Hendricks and is completely under-utilised as a French teacher who is more than a little disturbed, however you can remove her small scenes from the film and it would have no impact on the story. If she had instead played the role of Jillian Bell’s freaky meth-smoking guidance counsellor who’s more interested in getting some “teenus” than actually helping any of the kids, then this might have made for some more memorable performances. 

Overall, the film has it’s charms. The cast carry the light-weight premise as far as they can without really straying too far from their respective lanes whilst the majority of your enjoyment does rest on your own tolerance of Charlie Day. As I said, I like him a lot and the film certainly gave me a lot of laughs, even if many of those laughs felt very familiar and I could see them coming from a mile away. As a teacher myself, I will say I did like that the film did try to tackle the world of teaching today, but I still feel that it didn’t quite hit the mark. If you just need to switch off and have a harmless laugh, then Fist Fight is the movie for you this week in the cinemas. 

Fist Fight gets Two and a Half out of Five Stars (or Two and a Half out of Five meth-smoking guidance counsellors giving really bad advice. 

T2 TRAINSPOTTING: SPOILER-FREE REVIEW:

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The original Trainspotting was the little film that could, shot over seven weeks for a minuscule three and a half million pounds, it changed the shape of British cinema. It was a cultural phenomenon, it’s one of the most quotable British films to this day, with a soundtrack that has become intimately linked to scenes they’re featured in - I mean seriously, try to listen to Iggy Pop’s “Lust For Life” and not think of Ewan McGregor running down the street. It’s the film that launched the careers of a lot of great British talent: we got ourselves a Jedi, a Bond villain, a Sherlock and a… and a… well Ewen Bremner has had a steady career. We got one of the most consistently inventive and energetic directors who continues to delight with each film. So with so many good things going in it’s favour, the big question is, why the f*ck would you make a sequel to what is essentially lightning in a bottle? 

Now it’s fair to be skeptical, very rarely do you find long-delayed sequels that actually pay-off, let alone a sequel with a twenty year gap. The last time we had a sequel with that big a gap that included the original key cast and original directors, we got Dumb and Dumber To. Thankfully Trainspotting 2 is the antithesis of the crappy sequel curse. 

Set twenty years after Ewan McGregor’s Renton up and skipped town with the Skagboys’ money, he returns to Edinburgh and is compelled to reconnect with childhood pals Sick Boy and Spud, whilst avoiding the walking sociopath with a moustache Begbie. Ewen Bermner’s Spud is still a heroine addict, whilst Johnny Lee Miller’s Sick Boy snorts cocaine like it’s an Olympic Winter Sport and the ever terrifying Robert Carlyle’s Begbie is an escaped convict robbing houses and trying to achieve an erection. To tell you anymore would be spoiling this really well crafted tale of reconnection and redemption. 

The one thing I will tell you though is that if you’ve read the original book that served as the sequel to Trainspotting then this film is so far removed from the book that it’s almost unrecognisable. The film does not include the character of Nikki, there’s no scam involving producing a hard-core porn film and Spud is not writing a detailed account on the history of Leith. Sick Boy still runs his aunty’s pub, Renton spent time in Amsterdam and the film is peppered with lines and references to moments from the book throughout, but very little else to connect this film to the book. Personally, I wasn’t the biggest fan of the book, so I’m really glad the film went in the direction that it did, it feels like a more natural and logical progression for these characters than what occurred in the 2002 novel. 

Despite the differences to the novel, fans of the book should get a lot out of this film. The characters are the same as ever, if just twenty years older and only slightly wiser. The same pop-culture references are infused in the DNA of the film but with a more social media conscious tweak that also acknowledges the gentrification of the changing face of Edinburgh. Of course whether you’re a fan of the film or books, one thing everyone should love is how well they have integrated footage from the original into this film - be it young actors posing as the original cast or projecting scenes onto bare walls behind the cast or just simple cuts to those scenes; one thing that really needs to be acknowledged is how well the original footage has been restored. Even though it is clearly scenes from the original film, it looks like it was shot with the rest of the footage.   

The biggest driving force behind this choice has to be director Danny Boyle. It’s amazing to think that after kicking off a career in film back in 1994 with Shallow Grave, Boyle has continued to produce challenging films that are creative, stylised and energetic. He just has a way with composing shots that work for maximum impact - whether it be using shadows to add another layer to the story, or the constant shifting of the camera’s point of view to increase the intensity of a moment, or just simply slicing out the occasional frame of a shot to add to the skittish nature of the characters; Boyle has never compromised on his vision for a film and as an audience, we are all the better for it. With a larger budget and more seasoned talent, Boyle and the cast really let go and give us a really visceral story where every inch of the frame is dripping with visual cues and emotive metaphors.    

So look, if you love these characters then you’re bound to love this film because the characters just live and breath the streets of Edinburgh in equal parts funny, scary, touching and tragic. One minute you can despise a character and then the next you are genuinely hurting for that same guy you were wanting to punch in the face a second ago. Twenty years might seem a long time to wait, but T2 Trainspotting is definitely worth the wait. 

T2 Trainspotting gets Four and a Quarter out of Five Stars (or Four and a Quarter Iggy Pop vinyl sessions in your childhood room) 

FIFTY SHADES DARKER: SPOILER-FREE REVIEW:

How many actual shades of grey are there? I mean, it’s a really good question, because, if you’ve already got fifty shades of grey and then you add another fifty shades of even darker greys, how long before you run out of greys? After a cursory glance at the internet I discovered that there’s over 500 shades of grey and I’m like oh f*ck they could just keep making these films forever! 

Yep, it’s the sequel to the film that’s based on the book that was based on Twilight fan-fiction that made a world full of horny middle-aged women feel really flustered under the collar and resulted in a whole bunch of meek husbands having to walk into adult stores and embarrassingly ask for the list of items their wives had left on the fridge under the heading “date night”. So look it’s been two years since Fifty Shades Of Grey hit cinemas and actually made a decent amount of cash, however with a change of director, scripting issues between the studio and the original books writer, rumours of the key cast just plain not liking each other, along with the general belief among book readers that the second book didn’t live up to the first, the big question is: are people still smouldering for a glimpse of CGI rendered pubes? 

The erotic melodrama sees Christian Grey, the billionaire-shirtless-horse-whipping-enthusiastic trying to win back Anastasia Steel, a vanilla women who’s very busy doing important business things to really consider a relationship with abs-man. Although as the film progresses, the two begin to do their thing again and then that thing is complicated by the inclusion of the other women in Christian’s life. Needless to say, jealousy ensues along with a range of other stuff that was really distracting me from looking at my watch throughout the 115 minute runtime. 

Now look, I know I’m not the target audience for this film and as absurd as I might find the dialogue and situations the film has on offer, I’m sure that people who aren’t fans of superhero films view them in the same way with their dialogue, costumes and sequences. So, even though the film isn’t for me, I can see it’s appeal for it’s target audience, you know, women who haven't yet discovered that you can get free porn on the internet: you have a male model billionaire who falls hopelessly in love with you and will do anything to get you, although let’s overlook the creeper, stalker-y, overly-possessive, psychologically abusive aspects of his personality because he looks good with his shirt off and he can buy pretty much anything he wants. 

Truth be told, I didn’t mind the original too much - it was a little fun, it was a little kinky and it was some simple escapism catered to an audience who don’t often get the lion’s share of the theatre-time. However, by comparison, the film is about fifty shades tamer than it’s predecessor: the scenes are a lot less kinky, the dialogue is not as sexually charged, and missionary seems to be the only position the film is interested in featuring. I’m sure I remember the first film taking some more risks; this one is definitely Fifty Shades of Vanilla. 

On top of this, the film features a series of just random moments that don’t seem to have much consequence, which is just strange from a story-telling perspective. Characters come in and out of the story and there are potential set-ups with potential pay-offs however there is no pay off at least within this film. Characters get suddenly removed from the story and then are never spoken of again, they might show up briefly doing something that looks important but once again nothing happens. I was constantly asking the wife, “does he come back?”, “was that important?”, “did that happen on purpose?”, “is that setting up for the third film?” and the answer was often, “no, I don’t remember them returning in the book”, and I don’t know, for me, that’s just poor story-telling. Missed opportunities and false set-ups only leave you feeling that a story could have been better, and that’s not really the feeling you want coming out of the cinema. 

Overall, this film series has its’ dedicated following and they will certainly be happy none the less. If you’re on Team Fifty Shades, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it, but maybe not as much as the first film. If you are not on Team Fifty Shades and you are being dragged to see it anyway, just try and view it as an unintentional comedy and you’re bound to gain some enjoyment from the film.       

Fifty Shades Darker gets Twenty out of Fifty Shades of Vanilla (or if you’re looking at it as an unintentional comedy, Thirty Five out of Fifty Shades of Comedy Gold)     

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SPLIT: SPOILER-FREE REVIEW:

Meet James McAvoy, he’s your run of the mill everyday kind of guy with twenty-three personalities bouncing around that shaved noggin of his and he decides to invite three young girls to his secluded hideaway and needless to say, shenanigans ensue. Actually, it wasn’t really an invite but more of an abduction and it’s not really a secluded hideaway but more of a reinforced underground bunker, and it’s not really shenanigans but some really creepy and disturbing scenarios that will make your skin crawl. 

Yes, Split is the new M. Night Shyamalan movie - wait, don’t stop listening to the review just yet, hear me out - that stars James McAvoy as a man with dissociative identity disorder who kidnaps three young girls and locks them away to prepare them for what he calls, “the coming of the beast.” The girls must work together to out-smart the many creepy personalities of McAvoy and find a way out of the secure underground bunker of doom before the beast comes. 

Now this film really does live and die on the performance of James McAvoy as he gets to toy around with a range of accents, facial ticks, gestures, postures, costumes and mannerisms throughout the hour and fifty-seven minute run-time. Each character is quite distinct and he does a pretty solid job of slipping between each character while the camera is trained on him. The film claims that he has twenty-three different personalities however we are lucky if we see five at best, but don’t let that detract you from the film. There’s some solid performances from the other cast including Anya Taylor-Joy, who’s coming off of a few stellar projects including The Witch, Netflix’s Barry and Morgan. The film has also pulled some of the best additional supporting cast Netflix has to offer including Orange Is The New Black’s Brad William Henke and House Of Cards’ Sebastian Arcelus. Of course M. Night Shyamalan has his obligatory role in the film - once again, do not let that put you off. 

OK, so let’s get down to it: there is always a lot of baggage that comes with an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Once considered the Hollywood golden-boy and the next Spielberg, his name is more associated with a string of Razzies than anything else, and depending who you ask, he’s maybe had three good movies in his career, maybe two, maybe one. So it’s really easy to criticise his films more profusely than you would another director’s work - and in this case, when he makes something that’s actually half-good, it’s hard not to pick out the flaws: there aren’t many, mostly the occasional leap in logic and questioning why a professional with intimate knowledge of James McCoy’s condition would be so nonchalant about so many of his actions. There are some really good technical choices in the film, which Shyamalan is known for, such as the way the camera may pan or drop-focus once and a while to draw out attention to something, however there is the occasional choice which is questionable such as why he would frame certain shots in certain ways and why such a harsh and unnecessary editing cut? - but once again, would you be picking out these flaws if the film had been directed by someone else? Honestly, it’s too hard to tell. 

Ultimately though, this is definitely a case of where the good outweighs the bad with this film. Don’t just stay for the creepy skin-crawling moments and effective jump-scares, but stay for McAvoy’s blistering performance. Although you might want to leave before the epilogue where Shyamalan is either using it to announce his next film or eluding to a shared Shyamalan-Universe which is sure to having many a person slapping their head with frustration. 

Split gets Three and a Half out of Five Stars (or Three and a Half out of Five personalities competing for screen-time.)   

ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY: SPOILER-FREE REVIEW:

Now I know these are supposed to be spoiler-free reviews, but if you are one of the few handful of people who have seen that small little indie film called Star Wars A New Hope, then you probably already know how this film ends. Yes, Rogue One is the first in what will become a never ending cycle of Star Wars spin-off films produced by Disney, the film actually serves as an inbetweenquel for the prequels and the original trilogy and answers that age old question of who exactly put in that friggin’ thermal exhaust port that leads directly to the reactor system?  

Set just before the events of A New Hope, we follow a group of not just unlikely heroes but a group of morally and ethically dubious characters who include Oscar winner Felicity Jones as Jyn Erso, Diego Luna’s Cassian Andor who’s kind of a really brutal Mexican version of Han Solo along with the bromance couple that is Donnie Yen and Wen Jiang and scene-stealer Alan Tudyk’s reprogrammed Imperial Droid K-2SO. Their mission: to steal the plans for the Death Star and get them back to the rebel base - so as I said, if you’ve seen the original trilogy, then you know what happens in this film. But that is not to be seen as a bad thing here. 

Now let’s get down to the nitty-gritty: it is kind of weird watching a Star Wars film that doesn’t feature the opening crawl, but also, it’s kind of awesome too. One of the biggest concerns going into this film was that it was going to be another nostalgia-ridden project more focused on reminding you that it’s a Star Wars film than creating an original story. Five minutes in, and there’s nothing to worry about. This film is dark, gritty and still has some well placed humour. We have heroes that aren’t afraid to kill and aren’t afraid to sacrifice others to aid their own escape - fingers crossed they don’t release a special edition twenty years down the track where Andor doesn’t shoot first. 

The film is also filled with some great fresh moments including a great Donnie Yen fight sequence that echoes the choreography and humour of Hong Kong action films that he cut his teeth with. Whilst Alan Tudyk’s K-2SO is the most likeable Droid Star Wars has ever produced, with a dry sense of humour that just has me wishing for a spin-off movie where his character just does stand-up comedy and asks what is the deal with Imperial Tie-Fighter peanuts.     

Director Gareth Edwards, along with the rest of the crew, have done a fantastic job designing the worlds, the costumes, the creatures, the ships and the technology throughout. It feels like the whole film has just fallen out of a long lost Ralph McQuarrie sketch book - there’s a great balance of giving us something new, but still making it feel like it belongs with the films of the 70’s. Much like Abrams’ The Force Awakens, this movie knows when to use practical effects and when to use CGI - with just one exception. As many will know, this film reintroduces us to Peter Cushing’s Grand Moff Tarkin, however instead of recasting like they did with almost every other character featured from the original trilogy, we get a full-blown CGI rendering of Peter Cushing that just can’t seem to push past that uncanny-valley look and feel that plagues so many CGI human characters. It’s my only real complaint of the film because it really does take you out of the movie, especially when CGI creepy-boy is CGI acting text to Aussie Ben Mendelssohn who gives a solid performance as the film’s big bad. 

The film is one part heist movie, one part war movie and when I say war movie, I mean that this may be the first time in a series called Star Wars where we actually get to see “real” war - not cute little plush toys fighting Stormtroopers in the forest, not CGI armies falling by the dozens, I mean actual gritty knuckle-down drag out battles on the beach whilst AT-ATs, Tie-Fighters and X-Wings serve as a backdrop to this more grounded battle.  

Overall though, your enjoyment of the film will most likely be dependant on how much you have built this film up in your head and how much this film maybe meets or doesn’t meet those expectations. Some people may be disappointed that certain characters weren’t in the film as long as they had hoped, some may have hoped for interactions between different characters that never occurred, whilst others may be disappointed by the lack of certain Star Wars-y things. For me though, knowing that we are going to get new Star Wars films at least once a year from now until the end of time itself, my main worry was always that the novelty of Star Wars would wear off because of the sudden high frequency of films. Looking at how fresh Rogue One feels, it gives me a new hope for these new Star Wars films having some real legs. 

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story gets Four out of Five Stars (or Four out of Five creepy CGI Tarkin’s fighting overrated plush toys in a forest) 

FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM: SPOILER-FREE REVIEW:

Because the DC Films are in struggle-town and that $2.3 billion juggernaut called Harry Potter hasn’t been in cinemas for five years, it was only a matter of time before Warner Brothers turned back to the world of Wizards, Muggles and Fantastical Creatures. But with all the books having been milked for every last penny they could, where do you go with the series? You adapt the book within the book. Yep it’s Bookception or as J.K. Rowling and David Yates would prefer you call it, Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them. 

Set in 1920’s New York, we find Newt Scamander arriving by boat with a suit case that makes the Tardis feel claustrophobic. After a brief encounter with a No-Maj, the New York term for Muggles, named Jacob Kowalski, some of the creatures in his fantastic suitcase are released and the world of wizards is threatened to be exposed. In between all this we have Wizard police, a Madame President, something going on with a newspaper owner and his aspiring sons, an abusive woman hell-bent on a witch hunt and Ezra Miller doing his best creepy Crispin Glover from Charlie’s Angels impression -the only thing it’s missing is him pulling out Drew Barrymore’s hair and sniffing it while he jerks off. There’s a lot going on and not a lot of pay off - most likely because we need to stretch this new franchise out for another five films, but how does it compare to the original Harry Potter series?   

The honest truth is, I can’t answer that. I have no frame of reference because I’m one of the seven people on this planet that has never watched a Harry Potter film and never read the books. I don’t have anything against Harry Potter, I was just watching other films and reading other books whilst J.K.Rowling dominated the world of film and literature. I know when my son is old enough to watch them we’ll get to enjoy them for the first time together - but for now all I can reference is the film in front of me. 

Look, the special effects are great, 90% of the time, the creature designs are imaginative, creative and sometimes scary and 1920’s New York is beautifully recreated. The music is magical, each sequence is well choreographed and expertly shot and edited - you can’t fault the mechanics behind the look and feel of the film. Plus, it manages to maintain a Chaplin-esque feel amongst all of the blockbuster special effects.  

Dan Fogler’s Jacob Kowalski is a real highlight to the film and you can be forgiven for forgetting that this is the guy that gave us Balls Of Fury. From his accent, the way he interacts with other characters to just his sheer mannerisms, he’s easily my favourite character. A lot of the supporting cast throughout are good, however many of them are relegated to just standing and staring intently - I mean quite literally if there isn’t a promotional poster for a character don’t expect them to utter a word. 

We have Colin Farrell and Ezra Miller in supporting roles that although they are both good in, don’t really feel like they truely fit with the rest of the film. Once again, Ezra Miller is fine in the creepiest way possible, he’s a solid actor however I still need more convincing that he can play the leading man in a superhero film, looking at you Flash. We have some good turns from Katherine Waterston and Samantha Morton along with Alison Sudol who is maybe a little too sexy for her role if I’m being honest. 

Then we have the lead, Eddie Redmayne. Yeah, look, your enjoyment of the film will be solely dependant of your tolerance for Eddie Redmayne, who gives a very Eddie Redmayne performance. He’s interesting with his aloof mannerisms to say the least, he looks like someone spray-painted skin onto him to put it mildly and he acts like a freaking serial killer throughout most of the film if asked for extremes. For me, he’s just one step short of dragging a woman by the hair into a dark alleyway whilst holding a sonic-screwdriver and doing his best/worst Tom Baker impression. 

Overall the film has some good exciting moments and kind of makes you yearn to be a kid again. It’s easily twenty minutes too long and with the news that Johnny Depp will be playing the villain in subsequent sequels, because nothing screams success like the biggest box office drawcard of 2006, we can only hope that this new series moves from strength to strength. 

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them gets Three out of Five Stars (or Three out of Five prayers that Johnny Depp doesn’t Johnny Depp the villain role in the sequels)